Love’s Last Shift

Colley Cibber, Love’s Last Shift (1696).

This play introduced Amanda and Loveless, the characters in Vanbrugh’s The Relapse, as well as the popular Sir Novelty Fashion who becomes ennobled in the later play as Lord Foppington.

Loves Last Shift; OR, THE Fool in fashion. A COMEDY. As it is Acted at the THEATRE ROYAL, BY His Majestys Servants.

Written by C. CIBBER.

—Fuit haec Sapientia Quondam.
Concubitu Prohibere Vago, Dare Iura Maritis.
Hor. de Art. Poet.

LONDON, Printed for H. Rhodes, in Fleet-street; R. Parker, at the Royal-Exchange, and S. Briscoe, the Corner Shop of Charles-street, in Russel-street Covent-Garden, 1696.

TO RICHARD NORTON, of Southwick, Esq

SIR,

THO’ I can’t without Ingratitude, Conceal the Exceeding Favours, which the Town have shown this Piece; yet they must give me Leave to own, that even my Vanity lay Husht, quite stifled in my Fears, till I had securely fixt its Good Fortune, by Publishing your Approbation of it: An Advantage, which as it will Confirm my Friends in their favourable Opinion, so it must in some Measure, Qualify the Severity of the Malicious. After this Declaration; let the World Imagine, how Difficult it is for me, not to Launch into your Character: But since the smoothness of your Temper, and Depth of judgment, are my chief Protection, I am loath to Discompose you, by an Ungrateful Repetition of those Virtues, which only please you in the Practice: The World as little wants the Knowledge of ’em, as you desire the Recital.

’Tis your Happiness, Sir, that your Fortune has fixed you above the need of Praise, or Friends, yet both are equally Unavoidable: For even to your Solitude, Praise will follow you, and grows Fonder of you for your Coldness; She Loves you for your Choice of Pleasures, those Noble Pleasures of a sweet Retirement, from which nothing but the Consideration of your Country’s Weal cou’d draw you.

But as no Man can properly be made a Patron, whose Virtues have not in some sort Qualified him for such a Care: So, Sir, it is sufficient for me, that your Life and Conversation are the best Heralds of Your Power, and My Safety.

Here, Sir, I must beg Leave to clear my self from what the Ill Wishes of some wou’d have the World believe, that what I now Offer you is Spurious, and not the Product of my own Labour: And tho I am pleas’d, that this Report seems to allow it some Beauties, yet I am sorry, it has made a Discovery of some Persons, who think me Worth their Malice. This Dedication were little better than an Affront, unless I cou’d with all Sincerity assure you, Sir, that the Fable is entirely my own; nor is there a Line or Thought, throughout the Whole, for which I am Wittingly oblig’d either to the Dead, or Living; For I cou’d no more be pleas’d with a Stol’n Reputation, than with a Mistress, who yielded only upon the Intercession of my Friend: It satisfies me, Sir, that you believe it mine, and I hope what others say to the Contrary, is rather owing to an Unreasonable Disgust, than their Real Opinion. I am not Ignorant of those Oversights I have Committed, nor have the Dissecting Criticks much Discourag’d me: For ’tis Their Diversion to find Fault; and to have none, is to them an Unpardonable Disappointment; no Man can expect to go Free, while they don’t spare one another: But as I write not in Defiance of their Censure; so, after having Diverted you, Sir, I shall not trouble my self for a Defensive Preface. Had it not succeeded, I shou’d have had Modesty Enough to impute it to my own want of Merit: For certainly the Town can take no Pleasure in Decrying any Man’s Labours, when ’tis their Interest to Encourage ’em; every Guest is the best Judge of his own Palate; and a Poet ought no more to Impose good Sense upon the Galleries, than Dull Farce upon the Undisputed Judges. I first Consider’d who my Guests were, before I prepared my Entertainment, and therefore I shall only add this as a General Answer to all Objections, That it has every Way exceeded mine, and hitherto has not wrong’d the House’s Expectation; That Mr. Southern’s Good Nature (whose own Works best Recommend his Judgment,) Engag’d his Reputation for the Success, which its Reception, and your Approbation, Sir, has since redeem’d to the intire Satisfaction of

SIR, Your most Devoted, Humble Servant, Colley Cibber.

PROLOGUE, By a FRIEND.

Spoken by Mr. Verbruggen.

WIT bears so thin a Crop this Duller Age,
We’re forc’t to Glean it from the Barren Stage.
Ev’n Players Fledg’d by Nobler Pens, take Wing
Themselves, and their own Rude Composures Sing.
Nor need our Young one Dread a Shipwrack here;
Who Trades without a Stock has nought to fear.
In every Smile of yours, a Prize he draws,
And if you Damn him, he’s but where he was.
Yet where’s the Reason for the Critick Crew,
With Killing Blasts, like Winter, to pursue
The Tender Plant, that Ripens but for you?
Nature in all her Works requires Time,
Kindness, and Years, ’tis makes the Virgin Climb,
And shoot, and hasten to the expected Prime;
And then, if untaught Fancy fail to Please,
Y’instruct the willing Pupil by Degrees;
By Gentle Lessons you your Joys improve,
And Mold her Awkward Passion into Love.
Ev’n Folly has its Growth: Few Fools are made,
You Drudge, and Sweat for’t, as it were a Trade.
’Tis half the Labour of your Trifling Age,
To Fashion you fit Subjects for the Stage.
Well! If our Author Fail to Draw you like,
In the first Draught, you’re not to expect Vandike.
What, tho’ no Master-stroke in this Appears;
Yet some may find Features Resembling Theirs.
Nor do the Bad alone his Colours share;
Neglected Virtue is at least shown Fair;
And that’s enough o’ Conscience for a Play’r.
But if you’d have him take a Bolder Flight,
And Draw your Pictures by a Truer Light,
You must your selves, by Follies yet unknown,
Inspire his Pencil, and Divert the Town.
Nor Judge by this, his Genius at a stand;
For Time, that makes new Fools, may mend his Hand.

EPILOGUE.

Spoken By Miss Cross, who Sung CUPID.

NOW Gallants, for the Author: first to you
Kind City-Gentlemen, o’th’ middle-Row:
He hopes you nothing to his Charge can lay,
There’s not one Cuckold made in all his Play.
Nay, you must own, if you believe your Eyes,
He draws his Pen against your Enemies:
For he declares to day, he merely strives
To maul the Beaux—because they maul your Wives.
Now, Sirs, to you, whose sole Religion’s Drinking,
Whoring, Roaring, without the Pain of Thinking;
He fears he’s made a Fault, you’ll ne’er forgive,
A Crime, beyond the Hopes of a Reprieve;
An Honest Rake forego the Joys of Life!
His Whores, and Wine! t’Embrace a Dull Cast Wife!
Such out of fashion stuff! But then agen!
He’s Lewd for above four Acts, Gentlemen!
For Faith he knew, when once he’d chang’d his Fortune,
And reform’d his Vice, ’twas Time—to drop the Curtain.
Four Acts for your Coarse Palates was design’d
But Then the Ladies Last is more refin’d,
They for Amanda’s sake will sure be Kind.
Pray let this Figure once your pity move,
Can you resist the Pleading God of Love!
In vain my Pray’rs the other Sex pursue,
Unless your Conquering smiles their stubborn hearts subdue.

Dramatis Personae

MEN.

• Sir Will. Wisewoud. A Rich old Gentleman, that fancies himself a great Master of his Passion, which he only is in trivial Matters Mr. Iohnson.
• Loveless. Of a debaucht Life, grew weary of his Wife in six Months, left her, and the Town, for Debts he did not Care to pay; and having spent the last part of his Estate beyond Sea, returns to England in a very mean Condition Mr. Verbruggem.
• Sir Novelty Fashion. A Coxcomb that loves to be the first in all Foppery. Mr. Cibber.
• Elder Worthy. A sober Gent. of a fair Estate in Love with Hillaria. Mr. Williams.
• Young Worthy. His Brother of a looser Temper, Lover to Narcissa. Mr. Horden.
• Snap: Servant to Loveless: Mr. Penkethman.
• Sly. Servant to Young Worthy, Mr. Bullock.
• A Lawyer. Mr. Mills.

WOMEN.

• Amanda. A Woman of strict Virtue, married to Loveless very young, and forsaken by him. Mrs. Rogers.
• Narcissa. Daughter to Will. Wisewoud, a Fortune. Mrs. Verbruggen.
• Hillaria. His Niece Mrs. Clibber.
• Flareit. A kept Mrs. of Sir Novelty’s. Mrs. Kent.
• Woman to Amanda. Mrs. Lucas.
• Maid to Flareit.
• Servants, Centinels, Porter, Bullies and Musick.

The SCENE London.

1 Love’s Last Shift, &c.

ACT I.

SCENE the Park.

Enter Loveless, and Snap (his Servant).

loveless.

Sirrah! Leave your Preaching—your Counsel’s like an ill Clock, either stands still, or goes to slow—you ne’er thought my Extravagancies amiss, while you had your share of ’em; and now I want Money to make my self drunk, you advise me to live sober, you Dog—They that will hunt Pleasure, as I ha’ done, Rascal, must never give over in a fair Chase.

snap.

Nay, I knew you wou’d never rest, till you had tir’d your Dogs—Ah Sir! what a fine pack of Guineas have you had! and yet you would make them run till they were quite spent.—Wou’d I were fairly turn’d out of your Service—here we have been three days in Town, and I can safely Swear I have liv’d upon picking a hollow tooth ever since.

loveless.

Why don’t you Eat then Sirrah?

snap.

Even, because I don’t know where, Sir.

loveless.

Then stay till I Eat, Hang-dog, ungrateful Rogue! to murmur at a little fasting with me, when thou hast been an Equal partner of my good Fortune.

snap.

Fortune!—It makes me Weep to think what you have brought your self, and me to! How well might you ha’ liv’d, Sir, had you been a Sober Man—Let me see! I ha’ been in your Service just ten Years—In the first you Married, and grew weary of your Wife; in the Second you Whor’d, Drank, gam’d, run in Debt, Mortgaged your Estate, and was forc’d to leave the Kingdom; in the third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh you made the Tour of Europe, with the State and Equipage of a French Court Favourite, while your poor Wife at Home broke her Heart for the loss of you. In the eighth and ninth you grew poor, and little the wiser, and now in the tenth you are resolv’d I shall starve with you.

loveless.

Despicable Rogue, canst not thou bear the Frowns of a Common strumpet Fortune?

snap.

—S’bud I never think of the Pearl Necklace you gave that damn’d Venetian Strumpet, but I wish her hang’d in’t!

loveless.

Why Sirrah! I knew I cou’d not have her without it, and I had a Night’s Enjoyment of her, was worth a Pope’s Revenue for’t.

snap.

Ah! you had better ha’ laid out your Money here in London; I’ll undertake you might have had the whole Town over and over; for half the price—Beside, Sir, what a delicate Creature was your Wife! She was the only Celebrated Beauty in Town; I’ll undertake there were more Fops and Fools run mad for her, odsblood she was more plagued with ’em, and more talk’t of than a good Actress with a Maiden-head! Why the Devil cou’d not she content you?

loveless.

No Sirrah! the World to me is a Garden, stock’d with all sorts of Fruit, where the greatest Pleasure we can take, is in the Variety of Taste: But a Wife is an Eternal Apple-tree, after a pull or two you are sure to set your Teeth on Edge.

snap.

And yet I warrant you grudg’d another Man a bit of her, tho’ you valu’d her no more, than you wou’d a half Eaten Pippin, that had lain a Week a Sunning in a Parlor Window—But see, Sir, who’s this—for methinks I long to meet with an old Acquaintance!

loveless.

Ha! I’gad he looks like one, and may be necessary as the case stands with me—

snap.

Pray Heaven he do but invite us to Dinner!
Enter Young Worthy.

loveless.

Dear Worthy! Let me embrace thee, the sight of an old Friend warms me, beyond that of a new Mistress.

young worthy.

S’Death, what Bully’s this? Sir, your Pardon I don’t know you!

loveless.

Faith Will, I am a little out of repairs at present: But I am all that’s left of honest Ned Loveless.

young worthy.

Loveless! I am amaz’d! what means this Metamorphosis?—Faith Ned, I am glad to find thee amongst the Living, however—How long hast thou been in Town?

loveless.
About three days—But prithee Will, how goes the World?

young worthy.

Why like a Bowl, it runs on at the old rate, Interest is still the Jack it aimes at, and while it rowles, you know, it must of necessity be often turn’d upside down—But I doubt Friend, you have bowl’d out of the Green, have liv’d a little too fast,
[Surveying his Dress.]
like one that has lost all his ready Money, and are forc’t to be an idle Spectator—Prithee what brought thee at last to England?

loveless.

Why my last Hopes faith, which were to persuade Sir Will Wisewood, (if he be alive) to whom I Mortgaged my Estate, to let me have Five hundred Pounds more upon it, or else to get some honest Friend to redeem the Mortgage, and share the over-plus! Beside, I thought that London might now be a Place of uninterrupted Pleasure, for I hear my Wife is dead; and to tell you the Truth ’twas the staleness of her love, was the main cause of my going over.

young worthy.
His Wife dead! Ha! I’m glad he knows no other, I won’t undeceive him lest the Rogue should go and rifle her, of what she has,—[Aside.] Yes faith I was at her Burial, and saw her take Possession of her long home, and am sorry to tell you, Ned, she died with Grief! your wild courses broke her Heart.

loveless.

Why Faith! She was a good natur’d Fool! That’s the Truth on’t! Well, rest her Soul.

snap.

Now, Sir, you are a single Man indeed; for you have neither Wife, nor Estate.

young worthy.

But how hast thou improv’d thy Money beyond Sea? What hast thou brought over?

loveless.

Oh! a great deal of Experience.

young worthy.

And no Money?

snap.

Not a souse, faith, Sir, as my belly can testify.

loveless.

But I have a great deal more wit then I had!

snap.

Not enough to get your Estate again, or to know where we shall dine to day—[Aside] (O Lord he don’t ask us yet!)

young worthy.

Why your Rogue’s witty, Ned, where did’st thou pick him up?

loveless.
Don’t you remember Snap? formerly your Pimp in Ordinary: But he is much improv’d in his calling I assure you, Sir.

young worthy.

I don’t doubt it, considering who has been his Master.

snap.

Yes, Sir, I was an humble Servant of yours, and am still, Sir, and shou’d be glad to stand behind your Chair at Dinner, Sir.

[Bows.

young worthy.

Oh! Sir, that you may do another Time: But to day I am engag’d upon Business, however, there’s a meal’s Meat for you.
[Throws him a Guinea.

snap.

Bless my Eye sight, a Guinea—Sir! is there e’er a Whore you wou’d have kickt, any old Bawd’s windows you wou’d have broken, shall I beat your Taylor for Disappointing you? or your Surgeon that wou’d be paid for a Clap of two Years standing? if you have Occasion, you may command your humble Servant—

young worthy.

Sweet Sir, I am oblig’d to you! but at present am so happy, as to have no Occasion for your Assistance—But hark you Ned! Prithee what hast thou done with thy Estate?

loveless.

I pawn’d to buy Pleasure, that is, old Wine, young Whores, and the Conversation of Brave Fellows, as Mad as my self; Pox! If a Man has Appetites, they are Torments, if not indulged! I shall never complain, as long as I have Health, and Vigour; and as for my Poverty, why the Devil shou’d I be asham’d of that, since a Rich Man wont blush at his Knavery.

young worthy.

Faith Ned, I am as much in Love with Wickedness, as thou can’st be, but I am for having it at a Cheaper rate, than my Ruin! Don’t it grate you a little to see your Friends blush for you?

Loveless.

’Tis very odd, that People shou’d be more asham’d of others’ Faults, then their own; I never yet cou’d meet with a Man that offer’d me Counsel, but had more Occasion for himself.

young worthy.

So far you may be in the right: For indeed good Counsel is like a home Jest, which every busy Fool is offering to his Fellow, and yet won’t take himself.

loveless.

Right—thus have I known a jolly Red-Nos’d Parson, at Three a Clock in the Morning, Belch out Invectives against late Hours, and hard Drinking: And a Canting Hypocritical Sinner, protest against Fornication, when the Rogue was himself just crawling out of a Flux.

young worthy.

Tho these are Truths Friend, yet I don’t see any Advantage you can draw from them. Prithee how will you live now, all your Money’s gone?

loveless.

Live! How dost thou live? thou Art but a younger Brother I take it.

young worthy.

Oh! very well, Sir, (tho faith my Father left me but 3000 l.) one of which I gave for a Place at Court, that I still enjoy; the other two are gone after Pleasure, as thou say’st. But beside this, I am supply’d by the continual bounty of an indulgent Brother; now I am loath to load his good Nature too much, and therefore have e’en thought fit, like the rest of my raking Brother-hood, to Purge out my wild Humours with Matrimony: By the way I have taken Care to see the Dose well sweetned, with a swinging Portion.

loveless.

Ah! Will, You’ll find Marrying to Cure Lewdness, is like Surfeiting to Cure Hunger: For all the Consequence is, you Loath what you Surfeit on, and are only Chast to her you Marry—but prithee, Friend, what is thy Wife that must be?

young worthy.

Why faith, since I believe the Matter is too far gone for any Man to Postpone me, (at least, I am sure, thou wilt not do me an Injury to do thy self no good) I’ll tell thee—you must know, my Mistress is the Daughter of that very Knight to whom you Mortgag’d your Estate, Sir William Wisewoud.

loveless.

Why, she’s an Heiress, and has a 1000 l, a year in her own Hands, if she be of Age But I suppose the Old Man knows nothing of your intentions. Therefore prithee how have you had opportunities of promoting your Love?

young worthy.

Why thus—you must know, Sir William (being very well acquainted with the largeness of my Brothers Estate,) designs this Daughter for him, and to Encourage his Passion offers him, out of his own Pocket, the Additional Blessing of 5000 l. This Offer, my Brother, knowing my Inclinations, seems to embrace; but at the same time, is really in Love with his Niece, who lives with him in the same House, and therefore to hide my Design from the Old Gentleman, I pretend visits to his Daughter, as an Intercessor for my Brother only, and thus he has given me daily opportunities of advancing my own Interest.—nay, and I have so contriv’d it, that I Design to have the 5000 l. too.

loveless.

How is that possible, since I see no hopes of the Old Man’s consent for you?

young worthy.  

Have a Day’s Patience, and you’ll see the effects on’t; in a Word, ’tis so sure, that nothing but Delays can hinder my Success; therefore I am very earnest with my Mistress that to Morrow may be the Day. But a Pox on’t, I have two Women to prevail with, for my Brother Quarrels every other Day with his Mistriss, and while I am reconciling him, I lose Ground in my own Amour.

loveless.

Why, has not your Mistriss told you her Mind yet?

young worthy.

She will I suppose, as soon as she knows it her self, for within this Week, she has chang’d it as often, as her Linnen, and keeps it as Secret too; for she wou’d no more own her Love before my Face, then she wou’d shift her self before my Face.

loveless.

P’shaw! She shows it the more, by striving to conceal it.

young worthy.

Nay, she does give me some Proofs indeed, for she will suffer no Body but her self to speak ill of me, is always uneasy till I am sent for, never pleas’d when I am with her, and still Jealous when I leave her.

loveless.

Well. Success to thee Will; I will send the Fiddles to release you from your first Night’s Labour.

young worthy.

But hark you! Have a Care of disobliging the Bride, tho—Ha! Yonder goes my Brother! I am afraid his walking so Early proceeds from some disturbance in his Love; I must after him, and set him right—Dear Ned you’ll Excuse me; shall I see you at the Blue Posts between Five and Six this Afternoon?

loveless.

With all my Heart—but d’ye hear—can’st not thou lend me the Fellow to that same Guinea you gave my Man, I’ll give you my Bend if you mistrust me.

young worthy.

Oh Sir! Your necessity is Obligation enough—there ‘tis, and all I have faith, when I see you at Night, you may command me farther—Adieu at Six at farthest. [Exit Young Worthy.

loveless.

Without fail—so! Now Rascal you are an hungry are you! Thou deservest never to Eat again—Rogue! Grumble before Fortune had quite forsaken us!

snap.  

Ah! Dear Sir, the Thoughts of Eating again, have so transported me, I am resolv’d to Live and Die with you.

loveless.

Look ye, Sirrah, here’s that will provide us of a Dinner and a brace of Whores into the bargain, at least as Guineas and Whores go now.

snap.  

Ah! Good Sir! No Whores before Dinner. I beseech you.

loveless.

Well, for once I’ll take your advice; for to say Truth, a Man is as unfit to follow Love with an empty Stomach, as Business with an empty Head: Therefore I think a Bit and a Bottle won’t be amiss first.

The Gods of Wine, and Love, were ever Friends;

For by the help of Wine, Love gains his Ends. [Exeunt.

Enter Elder Worthy with a Letter.

elder worthy.

How hard is it to find that Happiness which our short sighted Passions hope from Woman? ’tis not their cold disdain, or Cruelty shou’d make a faithful Lover Curse his Stars, that is but reasonable; ’tis the shadow in our Pleasures Picture! Without it Love cou’d ne’er be heightned! No ‘tis their Pride, and vain desire of many Lovers, that robs our hope of its imagin’d Rapture: The Blind are only happy! For if we look through Reason’s never erring Perspective, we then Survey their Souls, and View the Rubbish we were Chaffring for: And such I find, Hillaria’s Mind is made of. This Letter is an Order for the knocking off my Fetters, and I’ll send it her immediately.

Enter to him Young Worthy.

young worthy.

Morrow Brother!

[Seeing the Letter.]

What! Is your Fit returned again? What Beaux Box has Hillaria taken Snuff from? What Fool has led her from the Box to her Coach? What Fop has she suffer’d to read a Play or Novel to her? Or whose Money has she indiscreetly won at Basset—come, let’s see the Ghastly Wound she has made in your quiet, that I may know how much Claret to prescribe you?

elder worthy.

I have my Wound, and Cure from the same Person I’ll assure you; the one from Hillaria’s Wit and Beauty, the other from her Pride and Vanity?

young worthy.

That’s what I cou’d ne’er yet find her guilty of: are you angry at her Loving you.

elder worthy.

I am angry at my self, for believing she ere did.

young worthy.

Have her Actions spoke the contrary? Come you know she Loves.

elder worthy.

Indeed she gave a great proof on’t last Night here in the Park, by fastning upon a Fool, and Caressing him before my Face, when she might have so easily avoided him.

young worthy.

What! And I warrant interrupted you in the middle of your Sermon; for I don’t Question but you were Preaching to her. But Prithee who was the Fool she fastned upon?

elder worthy.

One that Heaven intended for a Man; but the whole Business of his Life is to make the World believe, he is of another Species. A Thing that affects mightily to redicule himself; only to give others a kind of necessity of praising him. I can’t says he’s a Slave to every New Fashion, for he pretends to be the Master of it, and is ever reviving some Old, or advancing some New Piece of Foppery; and tho’ it don’t take is still as well pleas’d, because it then obliges the Town to take the more notice of him: He’s so fond of a Publick Reputation, that he is more extravagant in his Attempts to gain it, then the Fool that Fir’d Diana’s Temple, to Immortalize his Name.

young worthy.

You have said enough to tell me his Name is Sir Novelty Fashion.

elder worthy.

The same; but that which most concerns me, is that he has the Impudence to Address to Hillaria, and she Vanity enough to discard him.

young worthy.

Is this all? Why thou Art as hard to please in a Wife, as thy Mistriss in a New Gown: How many Women have you took in Hand; and yet can’t please your self at last!

elder worthy.

I had need to have the best Goods, when I offer so great a price as Marriage for them: Hillaria has some good Qualities, but not enough to make a Wife of.

young worthy.

She has Beauty!

elder worthy.

Granted.

young worthy.

And Money.

elder worthy.

Too much: Enough to supply her Vanity.

young worthy.  

She has Sence.

elder worthy.

Not enough to believe I am no Fool.

young worthy.

She has Wit.

elder worthy.

Not enough to deceive me.

young worthy.

Why then you are happy, if she can’t deceive you.

elder worthy.

Yet she has Folly enough to endeavour it: I’ll see her no more, and this shall tell her so.

young worthy.

Which in an Hour’s time you’ll repent, as much as over.

elder worthy.

As ever I shou’d Marrying her.

young worthy.

You’ll have a damn’d meaking look, when you are forc’t to ask her Pardon, for your ungenerous Suspicion, and lay the Fault upon Excess of Love.

elder worthy.

I am not so much in Love as you Imagine.

young worthy.

Indeed, Sir, you are in Love, and that Letter tells her so.

elder worthy.

Read it, you’ll find the contrary.

young worthy.

Prithee I know what’s in’t, better then thou dost: You say, ‘tis to take your Leave of her; but I say ‘tis in hopes of a kind Excusive Answer: But Faith you mistake her and your self too; she is too high Spirited not to take you at your Word; and you are too much in Love, not to ask her Pardon.

elder worthy.

Well then, I’ll not be too rash: but will show my resentment in forbearing my Visits.

young worthy.  

Your Visits! Come, I shall soon try what a Man of resolution you are—for yonder she comes—now, Let’s see if you have Power to move.

elder worthy.

I’ll soon convince you of that—farewell.

[Exit.

young worthy.

Ha! Gone! I don’t like that? I am sorry to find him so resolute: But I hope Hillaria has taken too fast hold of his Heart, to let this Fit shake him off. I must to her, and make up this breach: For while his Amour stands still I have no Hopes of advancing my own.

[Exit.

Enter Hillaria, Narcissa, and Amanda, in Mourning.

hillaria.

Well, dear Amanda, thou Art the most Constant Wife I ever heard of: Not to shake off the Memory of an ill Husband, after eight or ten Years Absence; nay, to Mourn for ought you know for the Living too, and such an Husband, that tho he were alive, wou’d never thank you for’t: whyd’ye persist in such a hopeless Grief?

amanda.

Because ’tis hopeless! For if he be alive, he is Dead to me; his Dead Affections not Virtues self can e’er retrieve; wou’d I were with him, tho in his Grave!

hillaria.

In my Mind, you are much better where you are! The Grave! Young Widows use to have warmer Wishes. But methinks the Death of a Rich old Uncle, shou’d be a Cordial to your Sorrows.

amanda.

That adds to ’em; for he was the only Relation I had left, and was as tender of me, as the nearest! He was a Father to me.

hillaria.

He was better than some Fathers to you; for he dyed, just when you had Occasion for his Estate.

narcissa.

I have an old Father, and the Duce take me, I think he only lives to hinder me of my Occasions; but Lord bless me, Amanda, how can you be unhappy with 2000 l. a year in your own Possession?

hillaria.

For my part, the greatest Reason I think you have to grieve, is that you are not sure your Husband’s dead, for were that confirm’d, then indeed there were Hopes, that one Poyson might drive out another, you might Marry again.

amanda.

All the Comfort of my Life is, that I can tell my Conscience, I have been true to Virtue.

hillaria.

And to an Extravagant Husband, that cares not a Farthing for you. But come let’s leave this unseasonable Talk, and pray give me a little of your Advice! What shall I do with this Mr. Worthy? Wou’d you advise me to make a Husband of him?

amanda.

I am but an ill Judge of Men; the only one I thought my self secure of, most cruelly deceived me?

hillaria.

A losing Gamester is fittest to give Counsel; what d’ye think of him?

amanda.

Better then of any Man I know: I read nothing in him but what is some part of a good Man’s Character.

hillaria.

He’s Jealous.

amanda.

He’s a Lover.

hillaria.

He Taxes me with a Fool!

amanda.

He would preserve your Reputation, and a Fool’s Love ends only in the Ruin of it.

hillaria.

Methinks he’s not Handsome?

amanda.

He’s a Man, Madam.

hillaria.

Why then e’en let him make a Woman of me.

narcissa.

Pray, Madam, what d’ye think of his Brother?
[Smiling.

amanda.

I wou’d not think of him.

narcissa.

Oh dear, why pray?

amanda.

He puts me in Mind of a Man too like him, one that had Beauty, Wit, and Falsehood—

narcissa.

You have hit some part of his Character, I must confess Amanda; but as to his Truth, I’m sure he loves only me.

amanda.

I don’t doubt but he tells you so, nay, and swears it too.

narcissa.

O Lord! Madam, I hope I may without Vanity believe him.

amanda.

But you will hardly without Magick secure him.

narcissa.

I shall use no Spells, or Charms, but this Poor Face, Madam.

amanda.

And your Fortune, Madam.

narcissa.

Senseless Malice!—[Aside.] I know he’d marry me without a Groat.

amanda.

Then he’s not the Man I take him for.

narcissa.

Why pray—what do you take him for?

amanda.

A wild young Fellow, that loves every thing he sees.

narcissa.

He never lov’d you yet.

[Peevishly.

amanda.

I hope, Madam, he never saw any thing in me to Encourage him.

narcissa.

In my conscience you are in the right on’t, Madam, I dare swear he never did, nor e’er wou’d, tho he gaz’d till Dooms-day.

amanda.

I hope, Madam, your Charms will prevent his putting himself to the Tryal, and I wish he may never—

narcissa.

Nay, dear Madam, no more railing at him, unless you wou’d have me believe you Love him.

hillaria.

Indeed Ladies you are both in the wrong, you, Cousin, in being angry at what you desir’d, her Opinion of your Lover; and you, Madam, for speaking Truth against the Man she resolves to Love.

narcissa.

Love him! prithee, Cousin, no more of that old stuff.

hillaria.

Stuff! why? don’t you own you are to marry him this week—Here he comes, I suppose you’ll tell him another Thing in his Ear.

Enter Young Worthy.

hillaria.

Mr. Worthy, your Servant! You look with the Face of Business, what’s the News, pray?

young worthy.

Faith, Madam, I have News for you all, and private News too: But that of the greatest consequence is with this Lady: Your Pardon Ladies, I’ll whisper with you all, one after another.

narcissa.

Come, Cousin, will you walk, the Gentleman has Business, we shall interrupt him.

hillaria.

Why really, Cousin, I don’t say positively you Love Mr. Worthy, but I vow this looks very like Jealousy.

narcissa.

Pish! Lord! Hillaria, you are in a very odd humour to day. But to let you see I have no such weak Thoughts about me, I’ll wait as unconcern’d as your self—[Aside](I’ll rattle him.)

amanda.

Not unpleasing say you? pray, Sir, unfold your self, for I have long despair’d of Welcome News.

young worthy.

Then in a Word, Madam, your Husband Mr. Loveless is in Town, and has been these three days, I parted with him not an Hour ago.

amanda.

In Town, you amaze me! for heaven’s sake go on.

young worthy.

Faith, Madam, considering Italy, and those parts have furnisht him with nothing but an improvement of that Lewdness he carry’d over; I can’t properly give you Joy of his arrival: Besides, he is so very poor, that you wou’d take him for an Inhabitant of that Country. And when I confirm’d your being dead, he only shook his Head, and call’d you good natur’d fool, or to that effect Nay, tho I told him his unKindness broke your Heart.

amanda.

Barbarous Man! not shed a Tear upon my grave? But why did you tell him I was dead?

young worthy.

Because, Madam, I thought you had no Mind to have your House plundered, and for another Reason, which if you dare listen to me, perhaps you’ll not dislike. In a Word ’tis such a Stratagem that will either make him asham’d of his Folly, or in Love with your Virtue.

amanda.
Can there be a hope, when even my death cou’d not move him to a relenting sigh! Yet pray instruct me, Sir.

young worthy.

You know, Madam, ’twas not above four or five months after you were Married, but (as most young Husbands do) he grew weary of you: Now I am confident ‘twas more an Affectation of being Fashionably Vicious, than any reasonable dislike, he cou’d either find in your Mind or Person: Therefore cou’d you by some artifice, pass upon him, as a new Mistress, I am apt to believe you wou’d find none of the wonted Coldness in his Love; But a younger heat, and fierce Desire.

amanda.

Suppose this done! What wou’d be the consequence!

young worthy.

O your having then a just Occasion to reproach him with his broken Vows, and to let him see the Weakness of his deluded Fancy, which even in a Wife, while unknown, cou’d find those real Charms, which his blind, ungrateful Lewdness wou’d ne’er allow her to be Mistress of. After this, I’d have you seem, freely to resign him to those Fancy’d Raptures, which he deny’d were in a Virtuous Woman who knows but this with a little Submissive Eloquence, may strike him with so great Sense of shame, as may reform his Thoughts, and fix him yours?

amanda.

You have reviv’d me, Sir: But how can I assure my self he’ll like me as a Mistress?

young worthy.

From your being a new one—Leave the management of all to me; I have a Trick shall draw him to your Bed, and when he’s there, Faith e’en let him Cuckold himself, I’ll engage he likes you as a Mistress, tho he cou’d not as a Wife.—[Aside] At least she’ll have the Pleasure of knowing the Difference between a Husband and a Lover, without the Scandal of the former.

amanda.

You have oblig’d me, Sir; If I succeed, the Glory shall be yours.

young worthy.

I’ll wait on you at your Lodging, and consult how I may be farther serviceable to you: But you must put this in a speedy Execution, least he should hear of you, and prevent your designs, in the mean time, ‘tis a Secret to all the World, but your self and me.

amanda.

I’ll study to be grateful, Sir.

young worthy.

Now for you, Madam.

[To Hillaria.

narcissa.

[Aside] So! I am to be last serv’d: very well!

young worthy.

My Brother, Madam, confesses he scatter’d some rough Words last Night, and I have taken the Liberty to tell you, you gave him some Provocation.

hillaria.

That may be; but I’m resolv’d to be Mistress of my Actions before Marriage, and no Man shall Usurp a Power over me, till I give it him.

young worthy.

At least, Madam, consider what he said, as the effects of an Impatient Passion, and give him Leave this afternoon to set all right again.

hillaria.

Well, if I don’t find my self out of Order after Dinner, perhaps I may step into the Garden: But I won’t promise you neither.

young worthy.

I dare believe you without it—Now, Madam, I am your humble Servant.

[To Narcissa.

narcissa.

And every body’s humble Servant.

[Walks off.

young worthy.

Why, Madam, Madam, I come to tell you—

narcissa.

What Success you have had with that Lady, I suppose, I don’t Mind Intrigues, Sir.

young worthy.

I like this Jealousy however, tho’ I scarce know how to appease it. ’Tis Business of Moment, Madam, and may be done in a Moment.

narcissa.

Yours is done with me, Sir, but my Business is not so soon done as you imagine.

young worthy.

In a Word, I have very near reconcil’d my Brother, and your Cousin, and I don’t doubt but tomorrow will be the Day, if I were but as well assur’d of your consent for my Happiness too!

narcissa.

First tell me your Discourse with that Lady; and afterwards if you can, look me in the Face—Oh are you studying, Sir?

young worthy.

S’Death! I must not trust her with it, she’ll tell it the whole Town for a Secret—Pox, ne’er a lye!

narcissa.

You said it was of the greatest consequence too!

young worthy.

[Aside] A good hint Faith.

Why, Madam, since you will needs force it from me, ’twas to desire her to advance my Interest with you: But all my entreaties cou’d not prevail: For she told me I was unworthy of you: Was not this of consequence, Madam?

narcissa.

Nay, now I must believe you, Mr. Worthy, and I ask your Pardon, for she was just railing against you for a Husband, before you came.

young worthy.

Oh! Madam, a favour’d Lover like a good Poem, for the malice of some few, makes the generous Temper more admire it.

narcissa.

Nay, what she said, I must confess, had much the same effects as the Coffee Criticks ridiculing Prince Arthur, for I found a pleasing Disappointment in my reading you, and till I see your Beauty’s Equal’d, I shan’t dislike you for a few Faults.

young worthy.

Then, Madam, since you have blest me with your good Opinion, let me beg of you, before these Ladies, to compleat my Happiness tomorrow. Let this be the last Night of your lying alone.

narcissa.

What d’ye mean?

young worthy.

To marry you to Morrow, Madam.

narcissa.

Marry me! Who put that in your Head?

young worthy.

Some small Encouragement which my Hopes have form’d, Madam.

narcissa.

Hopes! Oh Insolence! if it once comes to that I don’t question but you have been familiar with me in your Imagination. Marry you! What lye in a naked bed with you! Trembling by your side, like a tame Lamb for Sacrifice! De’e think I can be mov’d to Love a Man, to kiss him, toy with him, and so forth!

young worthy.

[Aside] I’gad! I find nothing but down right Impudence will do with her.—No, Madam, tis the Man must kiss, and toy with you, and so forth! Come my dear Angel, pronounce the Joyful Word, and draw the Scene of my Eternal Happiness. Ah! methinks I’m there already, Eager and Impatient of approaching Bliss! Just laid within the Bridal Bed, our Friends retir’d, the Curtains close drawn around us, no Light but Caelia’s Eyes, no noise but her soft trembling Words, and broken sighs, that plead in vain for mercy: And now a trickling Tear steals down her glowing Cheek, which tells the Rushing Lover at length she yields: Yet vows she’d rather dye. But still submits to the unexperienc’d Joy.

[Embracing her.

hillaria.

What Raptures Mr. Worthy!

young worthy.

Only the force of Love in imagination, Madam.

narcissa.

O Lord! dear Cousin! and Madam.! let’s be gone, I vow he grows rude! Oh! for Heavens sake, I shant shake of my fright these ten Days, O Lord! I will not stay—begone! for I declare I loath the sight of you.

[Exit.

young worthy.

I hope you’l stand my Friend, Madam.

hillaria.

I’ll get her into the Garden after Dinner.

[Exeunt.

young worthy.

I find there’s nothing to be done with my Lady before Company, ’tis a strange affected piece—But there’s no Fault in her 1000 l. a year, and that’s the Loadstone that attracts my heart—The Wise, and Grave, may tell us of strange Chimaera’s call’d Virtues in a Woman, and that they alone are the best Dowry; but faith we younger Brothers are of another mind.

Women are changed from what they were of old:
Therefore let Lovers still this Maxim hold,
She’s only worth that brings her Weight in Gold.

[Exit.

ACT II.

The SCENE a Garden belonging to Sir William Wisewoud’s House.

Enter Narcissa, Hillaria, and Sir NoveltyFashion.

hillaria.

OH! for Heaven’s sake! no more of this Gallantry Sir Novelty: For I know you say, the same to every Woman you see.

sir novelty fashion.

Every one that sees you, Madam, must say the same. Your Beauty, like the Rack forces every beholder to Confess his Crime—of daring to adore you.

narcissa.

[Aside] Oh! I han’t Patience to hear all this! If he be Blind I’ll open his Eyes.

I vow Sir Novelty, you Men of Amour are Strange Creatures: You think no Woman worth your while, unless you Walk over a Rival’s Ruin to her Heart; I know nothing has encouraged your Passion to my Couzen more, than her Engagement to Mr. Worthy.

hillaria.

[Aside] Poor Creature now is she Angry she ha’n’t the Address of a Fop I nauseate!

sir novelty fashion.

Oh! Madam, as to that, I hope the Lady will easily Distinguish the Sincerity of her Adorers. Tho I must allow Mr. Worthy is Infinitely the Handsomer Person!

narcissa.

O! fie Sir Novelty, make not such a Preposterous Comparison!

sir novelty fashion.

Oh! Ged! Madam, there is no Comparison.

narcissa.

Pardon me Sir! he’s an unpolish’d Animal!

sir novelty fashion.

Why, does your Ladyship really think me tolerable?

hillaria.

[Aside] So! she has Snapt his Heart already.

sir novelty fashion.

Pray Madam, how do I look to day? What, Cursedly? I’ll warrant with a more Hellish Complexion, than an Stale Actress at a Rehearsal—I don’t know, Madam:—tis true—the Town does talk of me indeed—but the Devil take me in my Mind I am a very ugly Fellow!

narcissa.

Now you are too severe, Sir Novelty!

sir novelty fashion.

Not I, burn me—For Heavens take deal freely with me, Madam, and if you can, tell me—one tolerable Thing about me?

hillaria.

[Aside] T’wou’d pose me, I’m sure.

narcissa.

Oh! Sir Novelty this is unAnswerable; tis hard to know the brightest part of a Diamond.

sir novelty fashion.

You’ll make me blush, stop my Vitals, Madam.—[Aside] I ga’d I always said she was a Woman of Sense. Strike me Dumb, I am in Love with her—I’ll try her farther.—But Madam, is it possible I may vie with Mr. Worthy—not that he is any Rival of mine, Madam, For I can assure you my Inclinations lye, where perhaps your Ladyship little thinks.

hillaria.

[Aside] So! now I am rid of him.

sir novelty fashion.

But Pray tell me, Madam: For I really Love a severe Critick, I am sure you must believe he has a more happy Genius in Dress: For my part I am but a Sloven.

narcissa.

He a Genius! unsufferable! why he Dresses worse than a Captain of the Militia: But you Sir Novelty are a true Original, the very Pink of Fashion; I’ll warrant there’s not a Milliner in Town, but has got an Estate by you?

sir novelty fashion.

I must Confess Madam, I am for doing good, to my Country: For you see this Suit, Madam,—I Suppose you are not ignorant what a hard Time the Ribbon Weavers have had since the late Mourning: Now my Design is to set the Poor Rogues up again, by recommending this sort of Trimming: The Fancy is pretty well for second Mourning,—By the way Madam, I had Fifteen Hundred Guineas laid in my Hand as a Gratuity to encourage it: But I’gad I refus’d ’em being too well acquainted with the consequence of taking a Bribe, in a National concern!

hillaria.

A very Charitable Fashion indeed Sir Novelty; But how if it should not take?

narcissa.

Ridiculous! take! I warrant you in a Week the whole Town will have it: Tho’ perhaps Mr. Worthy will be one of the last of ’em: He’s a meer Valet de Chambre to all Fashion; and never is in any till his Betters have left them off.

sir novelty fashion.

Nay Ged now I must laugh, for the Devil take me, if I did not meet him, not above Fortnight ago, in a Coat with Buttons no bigger than Nutmegs.

hillaria.

There I must Confess you out-do him, Sir Novelty Fashion.

sir novelty fashion.

Oh dear, Madam, why mine are not above three Inches Diameter.

hillaria.

But methinks, Sir Novelty, your Sleeve is a little too Extravagant.

sir novelty fashion.

Nay, Madam, there you wrong me, mine does but just reach my Knuckles. But my Lord Overdo’s covers his Diamond Ring.

hillaria.

Nay, I confess, the Fashion may be very useful to you, Gentlemen, that make Campaigns; for shou’d you unfortunately lose an Arm, or so, that Sleeve might be very convenient to hide the defect on’t.

sir novelty fashion.

Ha! I think your Ladyship’s in the right on’t, Madam.

[Hiding his Hand in his Sleeve.

narcissa.

Oh! such an Air! so becoming a Negligence! Upon my Soul, Sir Novelty, you’ll be the Envy of the Beau Monde!

hillaria.

Mr. Worthy! a good Fancy were thrown away upon him! But you, Sir, are an orNament to your Cloths.

sir novelty fashion.

Then your Ladyship really thinks they are—Bien Entenduè!

hillaria.

A Mervielle, Monsieur!

amanda.

She has almost as much Wit as her Cousin—I must confess, Madam, this Coat has had a Universal Approbation: For this, Morning I had all the Eminent Taylors about Town at my Levèe, earnestly Petitioning for the first Measure of it: Now, Madam, if you thought ’twou’d oblige Mr. Worthy, I would let his Taylor have it before any of ’em.

narcissa.

See here he comes, and the Duce take me, I think ’twou’d be a great piece of good nature; for I declare he looks as Rough as a Dutch Corporal—Prithee, Sir Novelty let’s laugh at him.

sir novelty fashion.

O God! No, Madam, that were too cruel: Why you know he can’t help it—Lets take no notice of him.

hillaria.

[Aside] Wretched Coxcomb.

Enter Elder Worthy.

elder worthy.

I find my Resolution is but vain, my Feet have brought me hither ’gainst my will. But sure I can command my Tongue, which I’ll bite off ’ere it shall seek a Reconciliation, Still so familiar there! But ’tis no matter, I’ll try if I can wear. InDifference, and seem as careless in my Love, as she is of her Honour, which she can never truly know the worth of, while she persists to let a Fool thus Play with it.—Ladies, your humble Servant.

hillaria.

[Aside] Now can’t I forbear fretting his Spleen a little—Oh! Mr. Worthy, we are admiring Sir. Novelty, and his new Suit, did you ever see so sweet a Fancy? He is as full of variety as a good Play.

elder worthy.

He’s a very pleasant Comedy indeed, Madam, and drest with a great deal of good Satyr, and no doubt may oblige both the Stage and the Town, especially the Ladies.

hillaria.

[Aside] So! There’s for me.—

sir novelty fashion.

O Ged! Nay prithee, Tom. know my Humour,—Ladies! Stop my Vitals! I don’t believe there are five Hundred in Town that ever took any notice of me.

elder worthy.

Oh, Sir, there are some that take so much notice of you, that the Town takes notice of them for’t.

hillaria.

[Aside] It works rarely.

sir novelty fashion.

How of them, Tom, upon my account! O Ged, I wou’d not be the Ruin of any Lady’s Reputation for the World: Stop my Vitals, I am very sorry for’t; Prethee Name but one, that has a favourable Thought of me, and to convince you that I have no Design upon her, I’ll instantly visit her in an unpowder’d Periwig.

elder worthy.

Nay, she, I mean, is a Woman of Sense too.

sir novelty fashion.

Phoo! Prithee, Pox, don’t banter me: ’Tis impossible! what can she see in me?

elder worthy.

Oh, a thousand taking Qualities! This Lady will inform you—Come, I’ll Introduce you.

[Pulls him.

sir novelty fashion.

O Ged no! Prithee!—Hark you in your Ear—I am off of her! Dammit if I ben’t, I am, stop my Vitals!

elder worthy.

[Aside] Wretched Rogue!

Pshaw! No matter, I’ll reconcile you; Come, come, Madam.

hillaria.

Sir!

elder worthy.

This Gentleman humbly begs to kiss your Hands.

hillaria.

He needs not your Recommendation, Sir.

elder worthy.

True! a Fool recommends himself to your Sex, and that’s the Reason Men of common Sense live unmarried.

hillaria.

A Fool without Jealousy, is better than a Wit with Ill-nature.

elder worthy.

A friendly Office, seeing your Fault is Ill-Nature.

hillaria.

Believing more than we have is pitiful,—You know I hate this Wretch, loath, and scorn him.

elder worthy.

Fools have a Secret Art of pleasing Women: If he did not delight you, you wou’d not hazard your Reputation, by encouraging his Love.

hillaria.

Dares he wrong my Reputation?

elder worthy.

He need not; the World will do it for him, while you keep him Company.

hillaria.

I dare Answer it to the World.

elder worthy.

Then why not to me?

hillaria.

To satisfy you, were a Fondness, I never shou’d forgive my self.

elder worthy.

To persist in it, is what I’ll ne’er forgive.

hillaria.

Insolence! is it come to this? Never see me more.

elder worthy.

I have lost the sight of you already; there hangs a Cloud of Folly between you, and the Woman I once thought you.

[As Hillaria is going off.

Enter Young Worthy.

young worthy.

What to our selves in Passion we propose;
The Passion ceasing does the Purpose lose.
Madam, therefore pray let me engage you to stay a little till your Fury is over, that you may see whether you have Reason to be angry, or no.

sir novelty fashion.

[To Narcissa.] Pray, Madam, who is that Gentleman?

narcissa.

Mr. Worthy’s Brother, Sir, a Gentleman of no mean parts, I can assure you.

sir novelty fashion.

I don’t doubt it, Madam,—He has a very good walk.

hillaria.

To be jealous of me with a Fool, is an affront to my Understanding.

young worthy.

Tamely to Resign your Reputation to the merciless Vanity of a Fool, were no proof of his Love.

hillaria.

’Tis Questioning my Conduct.

young worthy.

Why you let him Kiss your Hand last Night before his Face.

hillaria.

The Fool diverted me, and I gave him my Hand, as I wou’d lend my Mony, Fan, or Hanker|chief to a Legerdemain, that I might see him Play all his Tricks over.

young worthy.

O Madam! no Juggler is so deceitful as a Fop; for while you look his Folly in the Face, he Steals away your Reputation, with more Ease, than the other Picks your Pocket.

hillaria.

Some Fools indeed are dangerous.

young worthy.

I grant you, your Design is only to laugh at him: But that’s more than he finds out: Therefore you must expect he will tell the World another Story: And ’tis Ten to One, but the consequence makes you repent of your Curiosity.

hillaria.

You speak like an Oracle: I tremble at the Thoughts on’t.

young worthy.

Here’s one shall reconcile your Fears—Brother I have done your Business: Hillaria is convinced of her Indiscretion, and has a Pardon ready for your asking it.

elder worthy.

She’s the Criminal, I have no Occasion for it.

young worthy.

See she comes toward you, give her a Civil Word at least.

hillaria.

Mr. Worthy, I’ll not be behind-hand in the Acknowledgment I owe you: I freely confess my Folly, and forgive your harsh Construction of it: Nay, I’ll not condemn your want of good Nature, in not endeavour|ing, (as your Brother has done,) by mild Arguments to convince me of my Error.

elder worthy.

Now you vanquish me! I blush to be out done in Generous Love! I am your Slave, dispose of me as you please.

hillaria.

No more, from this Hour be you the Master of my Actions, and my Heart.

elder worthy.

This goodness gives you the Power, and I obey with Pleasure.

young worthy.

So! I find I han’t preach’t to no Purpose! Well Madam, if you find him Guilty of Love, ev’n let to Morrow be his Execution day, make a Husband of him, and there’s the Extent of Loves Law.

elder worthy.

Brother I am indebted to you.

young worthy.

Well I’ll give you a discharge, if you will but leave me but half an Hour in private with that Lady.

hillaria.

How will you get rid of Sir Novelty?

young worthy.

I’ll warrant you, leave him to me.

hillaria.

Come, Mr. Worthy, as we walk, I’ll inform you, how I intend to sacrifice that Wretch to your laughter.

elder worthy.

Not, Madam, that I want Revenge on so contemptible a Creature: But, I think, you owe this Justice to your self, to let him see (if possible) you never took him for any other, than what he really is.

young worthy.

Well! Pox of you Politicks, Prithee consult of ’em within.

hillaria.

We’ll obey you Sir.

[Exeunt ElderWorthy and Hillaria.

young worthy.

Pray, Madam, give me Leave to beg a Word in private with you; Sir if you please—

[To Sir Novelty who is taking Snuff.

amanda.

Ay Sir, with all my Heart.

young worthy.

Sir.—

amanda .
Nay, ’tis right, I’ll assure you,

[Offering his Box.

young worthy.

Ay Sir—but now the Lady wou’d be alone.

sir novelty fashion.

Sir!

young worthy.

The Lady wou’d be alone, Sir.

sir novelty fashion.

I don’t hear her say any such Thing.

young worthy.

Then I tell you so, and I wou’d advise you to believe me.

sir novelty fashion.

I shall not take your advice, Sir: But if you really think the Lady wou’d be alone, why—you had best leave her.

young worthy.

In short, Sir, your Company is very unseasonable at present.

sir novelty fashion.

I can tell you, Sir, if you have no more Wit, than Manners, the Lady will be but scurvily entertain’d.

narcissa.

Oh fie, Gentlemen, no Quarrelling before a Woman, I beseech you. Pray let me know the Business.

sir novelty fashion.

My Business is Love, Madam.

narcissa.

And yours, Sir!

young worthy.

What, I hope you are no Stranger too, Madam: As for that Spark you need take no Care of him, for if he stays much longer I will do his Business my self.

narcissa.

Well, I vow Love’s a pleasant Thing, when the Men come to cutting of Throats once: O Gad! I’d fain have them fight a little—Methinks Narcissa wou’d sound so great in an Expiring Lover’s Mouth—Well, I am resolved Sir Novelty shall not go yet; for I will have the Pleasure of hearing my self prais’d a little, though I don’t marry this Month for’t—Come, Gentlemen, since you Both say Love’s your Business, ev’n plead for your selves, and he that speaks the greater Passion, shall have the fairest Return.

young worthy.

Oh, the Devil! now is she wrapt with the Hopes of a little Flattery! There’s no remedy but Patience. S’Death, what piece have I to work upon!

narcissa.

Come Gentlemen, one at a time, Sir Novelty what have you to say to me?

sir novelty fashion.

In the first place, Madam, I was the first Person in England that was complemented with the Name of Beau, which is a Title I prefer before Right Honourable: For that may be Inherited: But this I Extorted from the whole Nation, by my surprising Mien, and unexampled Gallantry.

narcissa.

So, Sir!

sir novelty fashion.

Then another thing, Madam, it has been observed, that I have been Eminently successful in those Fashions, I have recommended to the Town, and I don’t question, but this very Suit will Raise as many Ribbond-Weavers, as ever the Clipping, or Melting Trade did Gold-Smiths.

narcissa.

Pish! What does the Fool mean! he says nothing of me yet.

sir novelty fashion.

In short Madam, the Cravat-string, the Garter, the Sword-knot, the Centurine, the Bardash, the Steinkirk, the large Button, the long Sleeve, the Plume, and full Peruque, were all created, cry’d down, or revived by me; in a Word Madam, there has never been any thing particularly taking, or agreeable for these ten Years past, but your humble Servant was the Author of it.

young worthy.

[Aside] Where the Devil will this end?

narcissa.

This is all Extravagant, Sir Novelty; but what have you to say to me Sir?

sir novelty fashion.

I’ll come to you presently Madam, I have just done: Then you must know my Coach, and Equipage are as well known, as my self; and since the conveniency of two Play-Houses I have a better Opportunity of shewing them: For between every Act—Whisk—I am gone from one to th’ other—Oh! what Pleasure ’tis at a good Play, to go out before half an Act’s done!

narcissa.

Why at a good Play?

sir novelty fashion.

O! Madam, it looks Particular, and gives the whole Audience an Opportunity of turning upon me at once: Then do they conclude I have some Extraordinary Business, or a Fine Woman to go to at least: And then again it shews my Contempt of what the dull Town think their chiefest Diversion: But if I do stay a Play out, I always sit with my Back to the Stage.

narcissa.

Why so Sir?

sir novelty fashion.

Then every Body will imagine I have been tired with it before; or that I am jealous who talks to who in the King’s Box. And thus, Madam, do I take more Pains to preserve a Publick Reputation, then ever any Lady took after the Small-Pox, to recover her Complexion.

narcissa.

Well, but to the Point, what have you to say to me, Sir Novelty?

young worthy.

Now does she expect some Compliment shall out-flatter her Glass.

sir novelty fashion.

To you Madam?—Why I have been saying all this to you.

narcissa.

To what end, Sir?

sir novelty fashion.

Why, all this have I done for your sake.

narcissa.

What Kindness is it to me?

sir novelty fashion.

Why, Madam, don’t you think it more Glory to be beloved by one Eminently Particular Person, whom all the Town knows and talks of; than to be ador’d by five Hundred dull Souls, that have lived Incognito?

narcissa.

That I must confess is a prevailing Argument, but still you han’t told me why you Love me?

young worthy.

That’s a Task he has left for me, Madam.

sir novelty fashion.

’Tis a Province I never undertake, I must confess, I think ’tis sufficient if I tell a Lady why she shou’d Love me.

narcissa.

[Aside] Hang him! he’s too conceited, he’s so in Love with himself, he won’t allow a Woman the bare Comfort of a Cold Compliment.—Well Mr Worthy,

young worthy.

Why, Madam, I have observed several particular Qualities in your Ladyship, that I have perfectly ador’d you for, as the Majestick toss of your Head—Your obliging Bow’d Curtesie—your Satyrical Smile—Your blushing Laugh—your Demure Look—the careless Tie of your Hood—the Genteel flirt of your Fan—The designed Accident in your letting fall, and your agreeable Manner of receiving it from him that takes it up.

[What he speaks she imitates in dumb shew.]

They both offer to take up her Fan, and in striving Young Worthy pushes Sir Novelty on his Back.

sir novelty fashion.

[Adjusting himself.] I hope you Ladyship will excuse my disorder, Madam,—How now!

Enter a Footman to Sir Novelty Fashion.

footman.

Oh! Sir, Mrs. Flareit.—

sir novelty fashion.

Ha! speak lower, what of her?

footman.

By some unlucky Accident has discover’d your being here, and raves like a Mad-Woman: She’s at your Lodging Sir, and had broke you above Forty Pounds worth of China before I came away; she talk’d of following hither, and if you don’t make haste, I’m afraid will be here before you can get through the House, Sir.

sir novelty fashion.

This Woman’s certainly the Devil; her Jealousy is implacable, I must get rid of her, though I give her more for a separate Maintenance, than her Conscience demanded for a Settlement before Enjoyment.—See the Coach ready, and if you meet her, be sure you stop her with some pretended Business, till I am got away from hence—Madam, I ask your ten thousand Pardons: There’s a Person of Quality expects me at my Lodging upon extraordinary Business.

narcissa.

What, will you leave us, Sir Novelty?

sir novelty fashion.

As unwillingly as the Soul the Body: but this is an Irresistible Occasion!—Madam, your most devoted Slave.—Sir your most humble Servant.—Madam, I kiss your Hands.—Oh Ged, no farther dear Sir, upon my Soul I won’t stir if you do.

[YoungWorthy sees him to the Door. Exit Sir Novelty Fashion.

young worthy.

Nay then Sir, Your humble Servant: So! this was a lucky Deliverance.

narcissa.

I over-heard the Business.—You see, Mr. Worthy, a Man must be a Slave to a Mistress sometimes, as well as a Wife; Yet all can’t persuade your Sex to a favourable Opinion of Poor Marriage.

young worthy.

I long, Madam, for an Opportunity to Convince you of your Error; and therefore give me Leave to hope tomorrow you will free me from the Pain of farther Expectation, and make an Husband of me—Come I’ll spare your Blushes, and believe I have already nam’d the Day.

narcissa.

Had not we better consider a little?

young worthy.

No, let’s avoid Consideration, ’tis an Enemy both to Love and Courage; They that consider much, live to be Old Batchelors, and Young Fighters. No! no! we shall have Time enough to consider after Marriage—But why are you so serious, Madam?

narcissa.

Not but I do consent tomorrow shall be the Day, Mr. Worthy; but I’m afraid you have not lov’d me long enough to make our Marriage be the Town-talk: For ’tis the Fashion now to be the Town-talk, and you know one had as good be out of the World, as out of the Fashion.

young worthy.

I don’t know, Madam, what you call Town-talk, but it has been in the News-Letters above a Fortnight ago, that we were already married. Beside, the last Song I made of you, has been sung at the Musick Meeting; and you may Imagine, Madam, I took no little Care to let the Ladies and the Beaux know who ’twas made on.

narcissa.

Well, and what said the Ladies?

young worthy.

What was most observable, Madam, was that while it was Singing my Lady Manlove went out in a great Passion.

narcissa.

Poor Jealous Animal! On my Conscience that Charitable Creature has such a Fund of kind Compliance for all young Fellows, whose Love lies dead upon their Hands, that she has been as great a Hindrance to us virtuous Women, as ever the Bank of England was to City Gold-Smiths.

young worthy.

The Reason of that is Madam, because you virtuous Ladies pay no Interest: I must confess the Principal, our Health, is a little securer with you.

narcissa.

Well, and is not that an Advantage worth entring into Bonds for? Not but I vow we virtuous Devils do Love to insult a little; and to say Truth, it looks too credulous, and easy in a Woman to Encourage a Man before he has sigh’d himself to a Skeleton.

young worthy.

But Heaven be thank’d, we are pretty even with you in the End: for the longer you hold us off before Marriage, the sooner we fall off after it.

narcissa.

What then, you take Marriage to be a kind of Jesuit’s Powder, that infallibly cures the Fever of Love?

young worthy.

‘Tis indeed a Jesuit’s Powder; for the Priests first invented it: and only abstain’d from it, because they knew it had a bitter Taste: Then guilded it over with a pretended Blessing, and so palm’d it upon the unthinking Laity.

narcissa.

Prithee don’t screw your Wit beyond the compass of Good Manners—D’ye think I shall be tun’d to Matrimony by your railing against it? If you have so little stomach to it, I’ll ev’n make you fast a Week longer.

young worthy.

Ay, but let me tell you, Madam, ’tis no policy to keep a Lover at a thin Diet in hopes to raise his Appetite on the Wedding-Night, for then

We come like starving Beggars to a Feast,
Where unconfin’d, we feed with eager Haste,
Till each repeated Morsel palls the Taste.
Marriage gives Prodigals a boundless Treasure,
Who squander that, which might be lasting Pleasure,
And Women think they ne’er have Over-Measure.

ACT III.

The SCENE Sir William Wisewoud’s House.

Enter Amanda and Hillaria, meeting.

amanda.

MY Dear, I have News for you.

hillaria.

I guess at it, and wou’d be fain satisfied of the Particulars: Your Husband is returned, and I hear knows nothing of your being alive: Young Worthy has told me of your Design upon him.

amanda.

’Tis that I wanted your advice in; what think you of it?

hillaria.

O! I admire it: Next to forgetting your Husband, tis the best Council was ever given you; for under the Disguise of Mistress, you may now take a fair Advantage of Indulging your Love, and the little Experience you have had of it already, has been just enough not to let you be afraid of a Man.

amanda.

Will you never leave your mad Humour?

hillaria.

Not till my Youth leaves me: Why should Women affect Ignorance among themselves? When we converse with Men indeed, Modesty and Good Breeding Oblige us not to understand what, sometimes, we can’t help thinking of.

amanda.

Nay, I don’t think the worse of you for what you say: For ’tis observed that a bragging Lover, and an over-shy Lady, are the farthest from what they would seem; the one is as seldom known to receive a Favour, as the other to resist an Opportunity.

hillaria.

Most Women have a wrong Sense of Modesty, as some Men of Courage; if you don’t fight with all you meet, or run from all you see, you are presently thought a Coward, or an ill Woman.

amanda.

You say true, and tis as hard a Matter now a days for a Woman to know how to converse with Men, as for a Man to know, when to draw his SWord: For many times both Sexes are apt to over-act their Parts. To me the Rules of Virtue have been ever sacred; and I am loath to break ’em by an unadvised Undertaking: Therefore, dear

Hillaria, help me, for I am at a loss—Can I justify, think you, my intended Design upon my Husband?

hillaria.

As how, prithee?

amanda.

Why, if I Court and Conquer him, as a Mistress, am not I accessary to his violating the Bonds of Marriage? For though I am his Wife, yet while he Loves me not as such, I encourage an unlawful Passion; and though the Act be safe, yet his Intent is criminal: How can I Answer this?

hillaria.

Very easily, for if he don’t Intrigue with you, he will with some Body else in the mean time, and I think you have as much Right to his Remains as any one.

amanda.

Ay! but I am assured the Love he will pretend to me is vicious: And ’tis Uncertain, that I shall prevent his doing worse elsewhere.

hillaria.

’Tis true, a Certain Ill ought not to be done for an uncertain Good. But then again, of two Evils, choose the least; and sure ’tis less Criminal to let him Love you as a Mistress, than to let him hate you as a Wife: If you succeed, I suppose you will easily forgive your Guilt in the Undertaking.

amanda.

To say Truth, I find no Argument yet strong enough to conquer my Inclination to it. But is there no Danger, think you, of his knowing me?

hillaria.

Not the least, in my Opinion: In the first place he confidently believes you are dead: Then he has not seen you these eight or ten Years: Besides, you were not above sixteen when he left you: This,with the alteration the Small-Pox have made in you (tho’ not for the worse,) I think are sufficient Disguises to secure you from his knowledge.

amanda.

Nay, and to this I may add the considerable amendment of my Fortune; for when he left me, I had only my bare Jointure for a Subsistence: Beside my strange Manner of receiving him—

hillaria.

That’s what I wou’d fain be acquainted with.

amanda.

I expect further instructions from Mr. Worthy every Moment; then you shall know all, my Dear.

hillaria.

Nay he will do you no small Service: For a Thief is the best Thief-catcher.

Enter a Servant to Amanda.

servant.

Madam, your Servant is below, who says Young Mr. Worthy’s Man waits at your Lodgings with earnest Business from his Master.

amanda.

’Tis well—Come, my Dear, I must have your Assistance too.

hillaria.

With all my Heart, I Love to be at the bottom of a Secret: For they say the Confident of any Amour, has sometimes more Pleasure, in the Observation, than the parties concern’d in the Enjoyment: But, methinks, you don’t look with a good Heart upon the Business.

amanda.

I can’t help a little concern in a Business of such Moment: For though my Reason tells me my Design must prosper; yet my Fears say ’twere Happiness too great.—Oh! to reclaim the Man I’m bound by Heaven to Love, to expose the Folly of a Roving Mind in pleasing him with what he seem’d to loath, were such a sweet Revenge for slighted Love, so vast a Triumph of rewarded Constancy, as might persuade the looser part of Womankind ev’n to forsake themselves, and fall in Love with Virtue.
Re-Enter the Servant to Hillaria.

servant.

Sir Novelty Fashion is below in his Coach, Madam, and enquires for your Ladyship, or Madam Narcissa.

hillaria.

You know my Cousin is gone out with my Lady Tattle-tongue: I hope you did not tell him I was within!

servant.

No, Madam, I did not know if your Ladyship wou’d be spoke with, and therefore came to see.

hillaria.

Then tell him I went with her.

servant.

I shall, Madam.

[Exit Servant.

hillaria.

You must know, my Dear, I have sent to that Fury Mrs. Flareit, whom this Sir Novelty keeps, and have stung her to some Purpose with an account of his Passion for my Cousin: I ow’d him a Quarrel for that he made between Mr. Worthy and me, and I hope her Jealousy will severely revenge it; therefore I sent my Cousin out of the Way, because unknown to her, her Name is at the bottom of my Design.—Here he comes: Prithee, my Dear, let’s go down the Back-Stairs, and take Coach from the Garden.—

[Exeunt Amanda and Hillaria.

Re-Enter the Servant conducting Sir Novelty Fashion.

sir novelty fashion.

Both the Ladies abroad say you? Is Sir William within?

servant.

Yes Sir, if you please to walk in, I’ll acquaint him that you expect him here.

sir novelty fashion.

Do so, prithee;—And in the mean time let me consider what I have to say to him.—Hold! In the first place his Daughter is in Love with me! Wou’d I marry her? No! Dammit, ’tis mechanical to marry the Woman you love: Men of Quality shou’d always marry those they never saw.—But I hear Young Worthy marries her to-morrow! Which if I prevent not, will spoil my Design upon her. Let me see—I have it—I’ll persuade the old Fellow, that I wou’d marry her my self; upon which he immediately rejects Young Worthy, and gives me free Access to her—Good—What follows upon that? Opportunity, Importunity, Resistance, Force, Entreaty, Persisting—Doubting, Swearing, Lying—Blushes, Yielding, Victory, Pleasure—InDifference—O! Here he comes in ordine ad—

Enter Sir William Wifewoud.

sir william.

Sir Novelty, your Servant: Have you any Commands for me, Sir?

sir novelty fashion.

I have some Proposals to make, Sir, concerning your Happiness and my own, which, perhaps, will surprize you. In a Word, Sir, I am upon the very brink of Matrimony.

sir william.

’Tis the best Thing you can pursue, Sir, considering you have a good Estate.

sir novelty fashion.

But whom do you think I intend to marry?

sir william.

I can’t imagine. Dear Sir, be brief, lest your Delay transport me into a Crime I would avoid, which is ImPatience. Sir, pray go on.

sir novelty fashion.

In fine, Sir, ’tis to your very Daughter, the fair Narcissa.

sir william.

Humh! Pray, Sir, how long have you had this in your Head?

sir novelty fashion.

Above these two Hours, Sir.

sir william.

Very good! Then you ha’n’t slept upon’t?

sir novelty fashion.

No! Nor shan’t sleep, for thinking on’t. Did not I tell you I wou’d surprize you?

sir william.

O! You have indeed, Sir: I am amaz’d! I am amaz’d!

sir novelty fashion.

Well, Sir, and what think you of my Proposal?

sir william.

Why truly, Sir, I like it not: But if I did, ’tis now too late; my Daughter is dispos’d of to a Gentleman that she and I like very well: At present, Sir, I have a little; If this be all, your humble Servant, I am in Haste.

sir novelty fashion.

Damn! What an insensible Blockheads’s this? Hold, Sir; d’ye hear?—Is this all the acknowledgment you make for the honour I design’d you?

sir william.

Why truly, Sir, ’tis an honour that I am not ambitious of: In plain terms, I do not like you for a Son-in-Law.

sir novelty fashion.

Now you speak to the Purpose, Sir: But prithee, what are thy Exceptions to me?

sir william.

Why in the first place, Sir, you have too great a Passion for your own Person to have any for your Wife’s: In the next Place, you take such an extravagant Care in the cloathing your body, that your Understanding goes naked for’t: Had I a Son so Dress’d, I shou’d take the liberty to call him an egregious Fop.

sir novelty fashion.

I’gad, thou Art a comical old Gentleman, and I’ll tell thee a Secret: Understand then, Sir, from me, that all young Fellows hate the Name of Fop, as Women do the Name of Whore: But, i’gad, they both Love the Pleasure of being so: Nay, faith, and ’tis as hard a Matter for some Men to be Fops, as you call ’em, as ’tis for some Women to be Whores.

sir william.

That’s pleasant, i’faith, can’t any Man be a Fop, or any Woman be a Whore, that has a Mind to’t?

sir novelty fashion.

No, faith, Sir; for let me tell you, ’tis not the Coldness of my Lady Freelove’s Inclination: but her Age and Wrinkles that won’t let her cuckold her Husband. And again, ’tis not Sir John Wou’dlook’s Aversion to Dress; but his want of a fertile Genius, that won’t let him look like a Gentleman: Therefore in Vindication of all well-dress’d Gentleman, I intend to write a Play, where my chiefest Character shall be a downright English Booby, that affects to be a Beau, without either Genius or foreign Education, and to call it, in Imitation of another famous Comedy, He Wou’d if He Cou’d: And now, I think, you are Answer’d, Sir. Have you any Exceptions to my Birth or Family, pray Sir?

sir william.

Yes, Sir, I have; You seem to me the Offspring of more than one Man’s Labour; for certainly no less than a Dancing, Singing, and Fencing-Master, with a Tailor, Milliner, Perfumer, Peruque-Maker, and French Valet de Chambre, cou’d be at the begetting of you.

sir novelty fashion.

All these have been at the finishing of me since I was made.

sir william.

That is, Heaven made you a Man, and they have made a Monster of you: And so farewell to ye!

[Is going.

sir novelty fashion.

Hark ye, Sir; Am I to expect no farther Satisfaction in the Proposals I made you?

sir william.

Sir—Nothing makes a Man lose himself like Passion: Now I presume you are young, and consequently rash upon a Disappointment; Therefore to prevent any Difference that may arise by repeating my refusal of your Suit, I do not think it convenient to hold any farther Discourse with you.

sir novelty fashion.

Nay, faith, thou shalt stay to hear a little more of my Mind first.

sir william.

Since you press me, Sir, I will rather bear with, than resist you.

sir novelty fashion.

I doubt, old Gentleman, you have such a Torrent of Philosophy running thro’ your Pericranium, that it has wash’d your Brains away.

sir william.

Pray, Sir, why do you think so?

sir novelty fashion.

Because you choose a beggarly, unaccountable sort of Younger-brotherish Rake-hell for your Son-in-law, before a Man of Quality, Estate, good Parts and Breeding, dammit.

sir william.

Truly, Sir, I know neither of the Persons to whom these Characters belong; If you please to write their Names under ’em, perhaps I may tell you if they be like or no.

sir novelty fashion.

Why then, in short, I wou’d have been your Son-in-law; and you, it seems, prefer Young Worthy before me. Now are your Eyes open?

sir william.

Had I been blind, Sir, you might have been my Son-in-law; and if you were not blind, you wou’d not think that I design my Daughter for Young Worthy—His Brother, I think, may deserve her.

sir novelty fashion.

Then you are not jealous of Young Worthy? Humh!

sir william.

No, really, Sir, nor of you neither.

sir novelty fashion.

Give me thy Hand: Thou Art very happy, stop my Vitals! For thou dost not see thou Art blind—Not jealous of Young Worthy? Ha! ha! How now?

Enter Sir Novelty’s Servant, with a Porter.

servant.

Sir, here’s a Porter with a Letter for your Honour.

porter.

I was ordered to give it into your own Hand, Sir, and expect an Answer.

sir novelty fashion.
[Reads.]

Excuse, my dear Sir Novelty, the forc’t Indifference I have shewn you, and let me recompence your past Sufferings with an Hour’s Conversation, after the Play at Rosamond’s Pond, where you will find an hearty Welcome to the Arms of your Narcissa!—Unexpected Happiness! The Arms of your Narcissa! I’gad, and when I am there, I’ll make my self Welcome!
Faith, I did not think she was so far gone neither! But I don’t question there are five hundred more in her Condition.—I have a good Mind not to go, faith! Yet hang it, I will though, only to be reveng’d of this old Fellow! Nay, I’ll have the Pleasure of making it publick too: For I will give her the Musick, and draw all the Town to be Witness of my Triumph!—Where is the Lady?
[To the Porter.

porter.

In a Hackney-Coach at the Corner of the Street.

sir novelty fashion.

Enough; Tell her I will certainly be there.—

[Ex. Porter.]

Well, Old Gentleman, then you are resolv’d I shall be no kin to you? Your Daughter is disposed of? Humh!

sir william.

You have your Answer, Sir; you shall be no kin to me.

sir novelty fashion.

Farewell, old Philosophy, and (d’ye hear?) I wou’d advise you to study nothing but the Art of Patience; You may have an unexpected Occasion for it. Hark you! Wou’d not it nettle you damnably to hear my Son call you GrandFather?

sir william.

Sir,—Notwithstanding this Provocation, I am calm; but were I like other Men, a Slave to Passion, I shou’d not forbear calling you Impertinent! How I swell with rising Vexation!—Leave me, leave me; go, Sir, go, get you out of my House.
[Angrily.

sir novelty fashion.

Oh! Have a Care of Passion, dear Diogenes, Ha! ha! ha! ha!

sir william.

So!
[Sighing.]
At last I have conquer’d it; Pray, Sir, oblige me with your Absence,
[Taking off his Hat.]
I protest I am tired with you; pray leave my House.
[Submissively.

sir novelty fashion.

Damn your House, your Family, your Ancestors, your Generation, and your eternal Posterity.

[Exit.

sir william.

Ah!—A fair Riddance. How I bless my self, that it was not in this Fool’s Power to provoke me beyond that Serenity of Temper, which a wise Man ought to be Master of! How near are Men to Brutes, when their unruly Passions break the bounds of Reason? And of all Passions, Anger is the most violent, which often puts me in Mind of that admirable Saying,

He that strives not to stem his Anger’s Tide,
Does a mad Horse without a Bridle ride.

The SCENE changes to St. James’s Park.

Enter Young Worthy and Loveless, as from the Tavern; Snap following.

young worthy.

What a sweet Evening ’tis!—Prithee, Ned, let’s walk a little.—Look how lovingly the Trees are join’d, since thou wer’t here, as if Nature had design’d this Walk for the private Shelter of forbidden Love.

[Several crossing the Stage.]

Look, here are some for making use of the Conveniency.

loveless.

But, hark ye, Friend, are the Women as tame and civil as they were before I left the Town? Can they endure the smell of Tobacco, or vouchsafe a Man a Word with a dirty Cravat on?

young worthy.

Ay, that they will; for Keeping is almost: So that now an honest Fellow with a promising Back need not fear a Night’s Lodging for bare good Fellowship.

loveless.

If Whoring be so poorly encourag’d, methinks the Women shou’d turn honest in their own Defence.

young worthy.

Faith, I don’t find there’s a Whore the less for it; The Pleasure of Fornication is still the same; all the Difference is, Lewdness is not so barefac’d as heretofore.—Virtue is as much debased as our Money; for Maidenheads are as scarce as our mill’d crowns; And faith, Dei Gratia, is as hard to be found in a Girl of Sixteen, as round the Brims of an old Shilling.

loveless.

Well, I find, in spight of Law and Duty, the Flesh will get the better of the Spirit. But I see no Game yet.—Prithee, Will, let’s go and take t’other Bumper to enliven Assurance that we may come down, right to the Business.

young worthy.

No, no; What we have in our Bellies already, by the help of a little fresh Air, will soon be in our Pericraniums, and work us to a right Pitch to Taste the Pleasures of the Night.

loveless.

The Day, thou mean’st; My Day always breaks at Sun-set. We wise Fellows, that know the Use of Life, know too that the Moon lights Men to more Pleasures than the Sun;—The Sun was meant for dull Souls of Business, and poor Rogues that have a Mind to save Candles.

young worthy.

Nay, the Night was always a Friend to Pleasure, and that made Diana run a-whoring by the Light of her own Horns.

loveless.

Right: And, prithee, what made Daphne run away from Apollo, but that he wore so much Day-light about his Ears?

young worthy.

Ha! Look out, Ned, there’s the Enemy before you!

loveless.

Why then, as Caesar said, Come follow me.

[Exit Loveless.

young worthy.

I hope ’tis his Wife, whom I desir’d to meet me here, that she might take a View of her Soldier before she new mounted him.

[Exit.

Enter Mrs. Flareit and her Maid.

maid.

I wonder, Madam, Sir Novelty don’t come yet: I am so afraid he shou’d see Narcissa, and find out the Trick of your Letter.

flareit.

No, no! Narcissa is out of the Way: I am sure he won’t be long; for I heard the Hautboys, as they pass’d by me, mention his Name; I suppose to make the Intrigue more fashionable, he intends to give me the Musick.

maid.

Suppose he take you for Narcissa, what Advantage do you propose by it?

flareit.

I shall then have a just Occasion to quarrel with him for his Perfidiousness, and so force his Pocket to make his Peace with me: Beside, my Jealousy will not let me rest till I am reveng’d.

maid.

Jealousy! Why, I have often heard you say, you loath’d him!

flareit.

’Tis my Pride, not Love, that makes me jealous: For, though I don’t Love him, yet I am incens’d to think he dares Love another.

maid.

See! Madam, here he is, and the Musick with him.

flareit.

Put on your Mask, and leave me.

[They mask.

Enter Sir Novelty with the Musicians.

sir novelty fashion.

Here, Gentlemen, place yourselves on this Spot, and pray oblige me with a Trumpet Sonata.

[The Musicians prepare to play.]

—This taking a Man at his first Word, is a very new Way of preserving Reputation, stop my Vitals,—Nay, and secure one too; for now may we enjoy and grow weary of one another, before the Town can take any notice of us.

[Flareit making towards him.]

Ha! This must be she.—I suppose, Madam, you are no Stranger to the contents of this Letter.

flareit.

Dear Sir, this Place is too publick for my Acknowledgment, if you please to withdraw to a more private Conveniency.

[Exeunt.

The Musicians prepare to play, and all sorts of People gather about it.

Enter at one Door Narcissa, Hillaria, Amanda, Edler Worthy, and Young Worthy; at another, Loveless and Snap, who talk to the Masks.

elder worthy.

What say you Ladies, shall we walk homewards? It begins to be dark.

young worthy.

Prithee don’t be so impatient, it’s light enough to hear the Musick, I’ll warrant ye.

amanda.

Mr. Worthy, you promis’d me a Sight I long for: Is Mr. Loveless among all those?

young worthy.

That’s he, Madam, surveying that mask’d Lady.

amanda.

Ha! Is’t possible! Methinks I read his Vices in his Person! Can he be insensible, ev’n to the smart of pinching Poverty? Pray, Sir, your Hand.—I find my self disorder’d. It troubles me to think I dare not speak to him after so long an Absence.

young worthy.

Madam, your staying here may be dangerous, therefore let me advise you to go home, and get all Things in order to receive him: About an Hour hence will be a convenient Time to set my Design a-going; till then, let me beg you to have a little Patience: Give me Leave, Madam, to see you to your Coach.

amanda.

I’ll not trouble you, Sir; yonder’s my Cousin Welbred, I’ll beg his Protection.

[Exit.

[The Musick plays, after which Narcissa speaks.

narcissa.

I vow it’s very fine, considering what dull Souls our Nation are: I find ’tis a harder Matter to reform their Manners than their Government, or Religion.

elder worthy.

Since the one has been so happily accomplish’d, I know no Reason why we should despair of the other; I hope in a little Time to see our Youth return from Travel big with praises of their own Country. But come, Ladies, the Musicks’s done, I suppose; shall we walk?

narcissa.

Time enough; why you have no Taste of the true Pleasure of the Park: I’ll warrant you hate as much to ridicule others, as to hear your self prais’d: for my part, I think a little harmless Railing’s half the Pleasure of one’s Life.

elder worthy.

I don’t love to create my self Enemies by observing the Weakness of other People; I have more Faults of my own than I know how to mend.

narcissa.

Protect me! How can you see such a Medley of human Stuff as are here, without venting your Spleen?—Why look there now, is not it comical to see that wretched Creature there with her autumnal Face, Dress’d in all the Colours of the Spring?

elder worthy.

Pray, who is she, Madam?

narcissa.

A Thing that won’t believe herself out of Date, though she was a known Woman at the Restoration.

young worthy.

O! I know her, ’tis Mrs. Holdout, one that is proud of being an Original of fashionable Fornication, and values herself mightily for being one of the first Mistresses that ever kept her Coach publickly in England.

hillaria.

Pray who’s that impudent young Fellow there?

elder worthy.

Oh! That’s an eternal Fan-tearer, and a constant Persecuter of Womankind: He had a great Misfortune lately.

narcissa.

Pray what was it?

elder worthy.

Why, impudently presuming to cuckold a Dutch Officer, he had his Fore-teeth kick’d out.

omnes.

Ha, ha, ha!

narcissa.

There’s another too, Mr. Worthy: Do you know him?

young worthy.

That’s Beau Noisy, one that brags of Favours from my Lady, tho’ refused by her Woman; that sups with my Lord, and borrows his Club of his Footman; that beats the Watch, and is kick’d by his Companions; that is one Day at Court, and the next in Gaol; that goes to Church without Religion, is Valiant without Courage, Witty without Sense, and Drunk without Measure.

elder worthy.

A very compleat Gentleman!

hillaria.

Prithee, Cousin, who’s that over-shy Lady there, that won’t seem to understand what that brisk young Fellow says to her?

narcissa.

Why, that’s my Lady Slylove: That other ceremonious Gentleman is her Lover: She is so overmodest, that she makes a Scruple of shifting herself before her Woman, but afterwards makes none of doing it before her Gallant.

young worthy.

Hang her, she’s a Jest to the whole Town: For, tho’ she has been the Mother of two By Blows, she Endeavours to appear as ignorant in all Company as if she did not know the distinction of Sexes.

narcissa.

Look! Look, Mr. Worthy, I vow there’s the Countess of Incog. out of her Dishabillee, in a high Head, I protest!

young worthy.

’Tis as great a Wonder to see her out of a Hackney-Coach, as out of Debt, or—

narcissa.
Or out of Countenance.

young worthy.

That indeed, she seldom changes; for she is never out of a Mask, and is so well known in’t, that when she has a Mind to be private, she goes barefac’d.

narcissa.

But come, Cousin, now let’s see what Monsters the next Walk affords.

elder worthy.

With all my Heart, ’tis in our Way home.

young worthy.

Ladies, I must beg your Pardon for a Moment; yonder comes one I have a little Business with, I’ll dispatch it immediately, and follow you.

hillaria.

No, no; we’ll stay for you.

narcissa.

You may, if you please, Cousin; but, I suppose, he will hardly thank you for’t.

hillaria.

What, then you conclude ’tis a Woman’s Business, by his promising a quick Dispatch?

young worthy.

Madam, in three Minutes you shall know the Business: if it displease you, condemn me to an eternal Absence.

elder worthy.

Come, Madam, let me be his Security.

narcissa.

I dare take your Word, Sir—

[Exeunt Elder Worthy, Hillaria, and Narcissa.

Enter Sly, Servant to Young Worthy.

young worthy.

Well, how goes Matters? Is she in a Readiness to receive him?

sly.

To an Hair, Sir; every Servant has his Cue, and all are impatient till the Comedy begins.

young worthy.

Stand aside a little, and let us watch our Opportunity.

snap.

[To a Mask.]
Enquire about half an Hour hence for Number two, at the Gridiron.

mask.

To-morrow with all my Heart, but to-night I am engaged to the Chaplain of Collonel Thunder’s Regiment.

snap.

What, will you leave me for a Mutton-chop? For that’s all he’ll give you, I’m sure.

mask.

You are mistaken, faith, he keeps me.

snap.

Not to himself, I’ll engage him: Yet he may too, if no Body likes you no better than I do. Hark you, Child, prithee, when was your Smock wash’d?

mask.

Why dost thou pretend to fresh Linen, that never wore a clean Shirt but of thy Mother’s own washing?

[Goes from him.

loveless.

What, no Adventure, no Game, Snap?

snap.

None, none, Sir; I can’t prevail with any, from the Point-Head-Cloths to the Horse-Guard-Whore.

loveless.

What a Pox! Sure the Whores can’t smell an empty Pocket?

snap.

No, no, that’s certain, Sir; they must see it in our Faces.

sly.

[To Loveless.]
My Dear Boy, how is’t? I’gad, I am glad thou art come to Town: My Lady expected you above an Hour ago, and I am overjoy’d I have found thee: Come, come, come along, she’s impatient till she sees you.

snap.

Odsbud, Sir, follow him, he takes you for another.

loveless.

I’gad, it looks with the Face of an Intrigue—I’ll humour him—Well, what shall we go now?

sly.

Ay, ay, now it’s pure and dark, you may go undiscover’d.

loveless.

That’s what I would do.

sly.

Odsheart, she longs to see thee; and she is a curious fine Creature, ye Rogue! Such Eyes! Such Lips!—And such a Tongue between ’em! Ah, the Tip of it will set a Man’s Soul on Fire!

loveless.

[Aside] The Rogue makes me impatient!

sly.

Come, come, the Key, the Key, the Key, you dear Rogue!

snap.

[Aside] O Lord! The Key, the Key!

loveless.

The Key! Why sh—sh—sh—shu’d yo—yo—you have it?

sly.

Ay, ay! Quickly give’s it!

loveless.

Why—what the Devil—sure I han’t lost it: Oh! No gad, it is not there; What the Devil shall we do?

sly.

Oons, ne’r stand fumbling; if you have lost it we must shoot the Lock I think.

loveless.

I’gad, and so we must, for I han’t it.

sly.

Come, come along, follow me.

loveless

Snap, stand by me, you Dog.

snap.

Ay, ay, Sir.

[Exeunt Sly, Loveless, and Snap.

young worthy.

Ha, ha! The Rogue managed him most dexterously. How greedily he chopt at the Bait. What the Event will be, Heaven knows; but thus far ’tis pleasant; And since he is safe, I’ll venture to divert my Company with the Story. Poor Amanda, thou well deservest a better Husband: thou wert never wanting in thy Endeavours to reclaim him: And, faith, considering how a long Despair has worn thee,

’Twere pity now thy Hopes should not succeed,
This new Attempt is Love’s Last Shift indeed.

ACT IV.

The SCENE continues.

Enter two Bullies, and Sir William Wisewoud observing them.

first bully.

Dammit! Alack, let’s after him, and fight him; ’tis not to be put up.

second bully.

No! Damn him! No Body saw the affront, and what need we take Notice of it?

first bully.

Why that’s true! But Dammit! I have much Ado to forbear cutting his Throat.

sir william.

Pray Gentlemen, what’s the Matter? Why are you in such a Passion?

first bully.

What’s that to you, Sir? What wou’d you have?

sir william.

I hope, Sir, a Man may ask a civil Question.

first bully.

Dammit! Sir, we are Men of Honour; we dare answer any Man.

sir william.

But why are you angry, Gentlemen? Have you received any Wrong?

second bully.

We have been called Rascals, Sir, have had the Lie given us, and had like to have been kick’t!

sir william.

But I hope you were not kickt, Gentlemen.

second bully.

How, Sir! We kickt!

sir william.

Nor do I presume that you are Rascals!

first bully.

Bloud and Thunder! Sir, let any Man say it that wears an Head! We Rascals!

sir william.

Very good! Since then you are not Rascals, he rather was one, who maliciously call’d you so:—Pray take my Advice, Gentlemen; never disturb your selves, for any ill your Enemy says of you; for from an Enemy the World will not believe it: Now you must know, Gentlemen, that a Flea-bite is to me more offensive, than the severest Affront any Man can offer me!

first bully.

What, and so you wou’d have us put it up! Dammit! Sir, don’t preach Cowardice to us, we are Men of Valour: you won’t find us Cowards, Sir.

second bully.

No, Sir! We are no Cowards, tho’ you are.

first bully.

Hang him, let him alone; I see a Coward in his Face.

sir william.

If my Face make any Reflection, Sir, ’tis against my Will.

second bully.

Prithee Tom, let’s affront him, and raise his Spleen a little.

sir william.

Raise my Spleen! That’s more than any Man cou’d ever boast of.

first bully.

You lie.

sir william.

I am not angry yet, therefore I do not lie, Sir: Now one of us must lie, I do not lie, ergo—

first bully.

Dammit! Sir, have a care! Don’t give me the Lie, I shan’t take it, Sir.

sir william.

I need not, Sir! You give it your self.

first bully.

Well, Sir, what then? If I make bold with my self, every old Puppy shall not pretend to do it.

sir william.

Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

first bully.

Dammit, Sir, what do you laugh at!

sir william.

To let you see that I am no Puppy, Sir; for Puppies are Brutes, and Brutes have no Risibility: But I laugh, therefore I am no Puppy, ha! ha!

first bully.

Blood and Thunder, Sir! Dare you fight?

sir william.

Not in cool Blood, Sir, and I confess ’tis impossible to make me angry.

second bully.

I’ll try that! Hark ye, don’t you know you are a sniveling old Cuckold?

sir william.

No, really, Sir.

second bully.

Why then I know you to be one.

sir william.

Look you, Sir, my Reason weighs this Injury which is so light, it will not raise my Anger in the other Scale.

first bully.

Oon’s! What a tame old Prig’s this? I’ll give you better Weight then. I know who got all your Children.

sir william.

Not so well as my Wife, I presume—Now she tells me ’twas my self, and I believe her too.

first bully.

She tells you so, because the poor Rogue that got ’em is not able to keep ’em.

sir william.

Then my keeping them is Charity.

first bully.

Blood and Thunder, Sir; this is an Affront to us, not to be angry after all these Provocations—Dammit! Lack, let’s souse him in the Canal.

[As they lay hold on him.

Enter ElderWorthy, YoungWorthy, Narcissa, and Hillaria.

young worthy.

S’Death, what’s here? Sir William in the Rogue’s Hands that affronted the Ladies—Oh, forbear, forbear—

[Strikes them.

elder worthy.

So, Gentlemen, I thought you had fair Warning before, now you shall pay for’t.

[Enter three or four sentinels.]

Hark you, honest Soldiers, pray do me the favour to wash these Rascals in the Canal, and there’s a Guinea for your Trouble.

bullies.

Dammit, Sir! We shall expect Satisfaction.

[Exeunt, dragging the Bullies.

sir william.

Oh dear, Gentlemen, I am obliged to you, for I was just going to the Canal my self, if you had not come as you did.

elder worthy.

Pray, Sir, what had you done to ’em?

sir william.

Why, hearing the Musick from my parlour Window, and being invited by the sweetness of the Evening, I ev’n took a Walk to see if I could meet with you, when the first Objects that presented themselves were these Bullies, threat’ning to cut somebody’s Throat: Now I, endeavouring to allay their Fury, occasioned their giving me scurrilous Language: and finding they cou’d not make me as angry as themselves, they off’red to fling me into the Water.

elder worthy.

I am glad we stept to your Deliverance.

sir william.

Oh, I thank you, Gentlemen.—I’ll e’en go Home, and recover my Fright. Goodnight, goodnight to you all.

[Exit.

elder worthy.

Harry, see Sir William safe to his Lodging.
[To his Servant.]

Well, Ladies, I believe it’s Time for us to be walking too.

hillaria.

No, pray let me engage you to stay a little longer: Yonder comes Sir Novelty and his Mistress, in pursuance of the Design I told you of; pray have a little Patience, and you will see the Effects on’t.

elder worthy.

With all my Heart, Madam.

[They stand aside.

Enter Sir Novelty embracing Flareit, mask’d.

sir novelty fashion.

Generous Creature! This is an unexpected Condescension to meet my Passion with such early Kindness: Thus let me pay my soft Acknowledgments.

[Kisses her Hand.

hillaria.

You must know he has mistaken her for another.

flareit.

For Heaven’s sake let me go, if Hillaria shou’d be at home before me, I am ruined for ever.

narcissa.

Hillaria! What does she mean?

sir novelty fashion.

Narcissa’s Reputation shall be ever safe, while my Life and Fortune can protect it.

narcissa.

O gad, let me go; Does the impudent Creature take my Name upon her?—I’ll pull off her Head-clothes.

hillaria.

Oh! Fie! Cousin, what an ungenteel Revenge wou’d that be! Have a little Patience.

narcissa.

Oh! I am in a Flame.

[Throwing back her hoods.

flareit.

But will you never see that common Creature, Flareit, more?

sir novelty fashion.

Never, never, feed on such homely Fare after so rich a Banquet?

flareit.

Nay, but you must hate her too.

sir novelty fashion.

That I did long ago for her stinking breath! ’Tis true, I have been led away; but I detest a Strumpet: I am informed she keeps a Fellow under my Nose, and for that Reason, I wou’d not make the Settlement I lately gave her some Hopes of: But e’en let her please her self, for now I am wholly yours.

flareit.

Oh, now you charm me! But will you Love me ever?

sir novelty fashion.

Will you be ever kind?

flareit.

Be sure you never see Flareit more.

sir novelty fashion.

When I do, may this soft Hand revenge my Perjury.

flareit.

So it shall, Villain!

[Strikes him a Box on the Ear, and unmasks.

omnes.

Ha! ha! ha!

sir novelty fashion.

Flareit, the Devil!

flareit.

What, will nothing but a Maid go down with you, thou miserable conceited Wretch?—Foh! My breath stinks does it! I’m a homely Puss! A Strumpet not worth you Notice! Devil, I’ll be reveng’d.

sir novelty fashion.

Damn your Revenge, I’m sure I feel it.

[Holding his Cheek.

narcissa.

Really, Sir Novelty, I am obliged to you, for your kind Thoughts of me, and your extraordinary Care of my Reputation.

sir novelty fashion.

S’death, she here! Expos’d to half the Town!—Well, I must brazen it out however!

[Walks unconcerned.

flareit.

What! No Pretence? No Evasion now?

sir novelty fashion.

There’s no occasion for any, Madam.

flareit.

Come, come, swear you knew me all this while.

sir novelty fashion.

No, faith, Madam, I did not know you: For if I had, you wou’d not have found me so furious a Lover.

flareit.

Furies and Hell! Dares the Monster own his Guilt! This is beyond all Sufferance! Thou Wretch, thou Thing, thou Animal, that I (to the everlasting Forfeiture of my Sense and Understanding) have made a Man. For till thou knewest me, ’twas doubted if thou wert of Humankind. And dost thou think I’ll suffer such a Worm as thee to turn against me! No! When I do, may I be curs’d to thy Embraces all my Life, and never know a Joy beyond thee.

sir novelty fashion.

Why—wh—wh—what will your Ladyship’s Fury do, Madam?

[Smiling.

flareit.

Only change my Lodging, Sir.

sir novelty fashion.

I shall keep mine, Madam, that you may know where to find me when your Fury is over.—You see I am good natur’d.

[Walks by her.

flareit.

[Aside] This Bravery’s affected: I know he loves me, and I’ll pierce him to the Quick: I have yet a surer Way to fool him.

hillaria.

Methinks the Knight bears it bravely.

narcissa.

I protest the Lady weeps.

young worthy.

She knows what she does, I’ll warrant you.

elder worthy.

Ay, ay, the Fox is a better Politician than the Lion.

flareit.

[With tears in her Eyes]
[Aside] Now, Woman.—Sir Novelty, pray, Sir, let me speak with you.

sir novelty fashion.

Ay, Madam.

flareit.

Before we part (for I find I have irrecoverably lost your Love) let me beg of you, that from this Hour, you ne’er will see me more, or make any new Attempts to deceive my easy Temper: For I find my Nature’s such, I shall believe you, though to my utter Ruin.

sir novelty fashion.

[Aside] Pray Heaven she be in earnest.

flareit.

One thing more, Sir: Since our first acquaintance, you have received several Letters from me; I hope you will be so much a Gentleman as to let me have ’em again: Those I have of yours shall be returned tomorrow Morning. And now, Sir, wishing you as much Happiness in her you love, as you once pretended I cou’d give you,—I take of you my everlasting leave.—Farewell, and may your next Mistress love you till I hate you.

[Is going.

sir novelty fashion.

So! Now must I seem to persuade her. Nay, prithee, my Dear! Why do you struggle so? Whither wou’d you go?

flareit.

Pray, Sir, give me leave to pass, I can’t bear to stay.

[Crying.

sir novelty fashion.

What is’t that frightens you?

flareit.

Your barbarous Usage: Pray let me go.

sir novelty fashion.

Nay, if you are resolved, Madam, I won’t press you against your Will: Your humble Servant.

[Leaves her.]

and a happy Riddance, stop my Vitals.

[Flareit looks back.

flareit.

Ha! Not move to call me back! So unconcerned! Oh! I cou’d tear my Flesh, stab every Feature in this dull, decaying Face, that wants a Charm to hold him! Damn him! I loath him too! But shall my Pride now fall from such an height, and bear the Torture unreveng’d? No! My very Soul’s on Fire, and nothing but the Villain’s Blood shall quench it. Devil, have at thee.

[Snatches YoungWorthy’s Sword, and runs at him.

young worthy.

Have a care, Sir.

sir novelty fashion.

Let her alone, Gentlemen, I’ll warrant you.

[Draws, and stands upon his guard.

[YoungWorthy takes the Sword from her, and holds her.

flareit.

Prevented! Oh, I shall choke with boiling Gall. Oh! Oh! Humh! Let me go; I’ll have his Blood, his Blood, his Blood!

[Raving.

sir novelty fashion.

Let her come, let her come, Gentlemen!

flareit.

Death and Vengeance! Am I become his Sport! He’s pleased, and smiles to see me rage the more! But he shall find no Fiend in Hell can match the Fury of a disappointed Woman!—Scorned! Slighted! Dismissed without a parting Pang! Oh torturing Thought! May all the Racks Mankind e’er gave our easy Sex, neglected Love, decaying Beauty, and hot raging Lust light on me, if e’re I cease to be the eternal Plague of his remaining Life, nay, after Death:

When his black Soul lies howling in Despair,
I’d plunge to Hell, and be his Torment there.

[Exit in a Fury.

elder worthy.

Sure, Sir Novelty, you never loved this Lady, if you are so indifferent at parting.

sir novelty fashion.

Why, faith, Tom, to tell you the Truth, her Jealousy has been so very troublesome and expensive to me of late, that I have these three Months sought an Opportunity to leave her: But, faith, I had always more respect to my Life, than to let her know it before.

hillaria.

Methinks, Sir Novelty, you had very little respect to her Life, when you drew upon her.

sir novelty fashion.

Why, what wou’d you have had me done, Madam? Complemented her with my naked Bosom! No! No! Look ye, Madam, if she had made any Advances, I cou’d have disarm’d her in Second at the very first Pass.—But come, Ladies, as we walk, I’ll beg your Judgments in a particular nice Fancy, that I intend to appear in, the very first Week the Court is quite out of Mourning.

elder worthy.

With all my Heart, Sir Novelty.—Come, Ladies, considering how little rest you’ll have tomorrow night, I think ’twere charity not to keep you up any longer.

young worthy.

Nay as for that Matter, the night before a Wedding is as unfit to sleep in, as the night following: Imagination’s a very troublesome Bedfellow.—Your Pardon, Ladies, I only speak for my self.

elder worthy.

See the Coaches ready at St. James’s Gate.

[To his Servant.

[Exeunt.

The SCENE Amanda’s House.

Enter two Servants.

first servant.

Come, come, make haste; Is the Supper and the Musick ready?

second servant.

It is, it is. Well, is he come?

first servant.

Ay, Ay, I came before to tell my Lady the News; That Rogue Sly manag’d him rarely, he has been this half Hour pretending to pick the Lock of the Garden Door: Well, poor Lady, I wish her good Luck with him: For she’s certainly the best Mistress living. Hark ye, is the Wine strong, as she order’d it? Be sure you ply him home: for he must have two or three Bumpers to qualifie him for her Design. See, here he comes: away to your Post.

[Exeunt.

Enter Loveless, conducted by Sly, Snap stealing after them.

loveless.

Where the Devil will this Fellow lead me?—
Nothing but Silence, and Darkness!—Sure the House is haunted, and he has brought me to Face the Spirit at his wonted Hour!

sly.

There, there; in, in.—Slip on your Night-Gown, and refresh your self: In the mean time I’ll acquaint my Lady that you are here.

[Exit.

loveless.

Snap!

snap.

Ay, ay, Sir, I’ll warrant you.

[Exeunt.

The SCENE changes to an Anti-chamber; a Table, Light, a Night-Gown, and a Peruque lying by.

They re-enter.

loveless.

Ha! What sweet Lodgings are here? Where can this end?

snap.

I’gad, Sir, I long to know.—Pray Heaven we are not deluded hither to be starv’d.—Methinks, I wish I had brought the Remnants of my Dinner with me.

loveless.

Hark! I hear somebody coming! Hide your self, Rascal; I wou’d not have you seen.

snap.

Well, Sir, I’ll line this Trench in case of your being in Danger.

[Gets under the Table.

loveless.

Ha! This Night-Gown and Peruke don’t lye here for nothing.—I’ll make my self agreeable.—I have baulk’t many a Woman in my Time, for want of a clean Shirt.—

[Puts ’em on.

Enter Servants with a Supper; after them, a Man and Woman.

loveless.

Ha! A Supper! Heaven send it be no Vision! If the Meat be real, I shall believe the Lady may prove Flesh and Blood.—Now I am damnably puzzled to know whether this be she, or not. Madam—

[Bows.

woman.

Sir, my Lady begs your Pardon for a Moment.

loveless.

Humh, her Lady! Good.

woman.

She’s unfortunately detained by some Female Visitors, which she will dispatch with all the Haste imaginable; In the mean time, be pleased to refresh your self with what the House affords.—Pray, Sir, sit down.

loveless.

Not alone; Madam, you must bear me Company.

woman.

To oblige you, Sir, I’ll exceed my Commission.

snap.

[Under the Table.]

Was there ever so unfortunate a Dog! What the Devil put it in my Head to hide my self before Supper; why this is worse than being lock’d into a Closet, while another Man’s abed with my Wife! I suppose my Master will take as much Care of me, too, as I shou’d of him, if I were in his Place.

woman.

Sir, my humble Service to you.

[Drinks.

loveless.

Madam, your humble Servant: I’ll pledge you.—[Aside to Snap]Snap, when there’s any Danger I’ll call you; In the mean time lye still, d’ye hear?

snap.

I’gad, I’ll shift for my self then: [Snatches a Flask, unseen.] So, now I am arm’d. Defiance to all Danger.

loveless.

Madam, your Lady’s Health.

snap.

Ay, ay, let it go round, I say.

[Drinks.

woman.

Well, really, Sir, my Lady’s very happy that she has got loose from her Relations: for they were always teasing her about you: But she defies ’em all now.—Come Sir, Success to both your Wishes.
[Drinks.

loveless.

Give me a Glass; Methinks this Health inspires me.—My Heart grows lighter for the Weight of Wine.—Here, Madam.—Prosperity to the Man that ventures most to please her.

woman.

What think you of a Song to support this Gayety?

loveless.

With all my Heart.

[A song here.

loveless.

You have oblig’d me, Madam.—[Aside] I’gad I like this Girl! She takes off her Glass so feelingly, I am half persuaded she’s of a thirsty Love: If her Lady don’t make a little Haste, I find I shall present my humble Service to her.

Enter a Servant, who whispers Amanda’s Woman.

woman.

Sir, I ask your Pardon: my Lady has some Commands for me; I will return immediately.

loveless.

Your Servant.—Methinks this is a very new Method of Intriguing!

snap.
Pray Heaven it be new! For the old Way commonly ended in a good beating! But a Pox of Danger, I say; and so here’s good luck to you, Sir.

loveless.

Take heed, Rogue, you don’t get drunk, and discover your self.

snap.

It must be with a fresh Flask, then; for this is expired, Supernatulum.

loveless.

Lye close, you Dog; I hear somebody coming: I am impatient till I see this Creature. This Wine has armed me against all Thoughts of Danger! Pray Heaven she be young, for then she can’t want Beauty. Ha! Here she comes! Now, Never-falling Impudence, assist me.

Enter Amanda loosely Dress’d.

amanda.

Where’s my Love? O, let me fly into his Arms, and live for ever there.

loveless.

My Life! My Soul!

[Runs and embraces her.]

By Heaven a tempting Creature! Melting, soft, and warm,—as my Desire.—Oh, that I cou’d hide my Face for ever thus, that undiscovered I might reap the Harvest of a ripe Desire, without the lingring Pains of growing Love.

[Kisses her Hand.

amanda.

Look up, my Lord, and bless me with a tender Look, and let my talking Eyes inform thee how I have languish’d for thy Absence.

loveless.

Let’s retire, and chase away our fleeting Cares with the Raptures of untir’d Love.

amanda.

Bless me! Your Voice is strangely alter’d—Ha! Defend me! Who’s this? Help! Help! Within there?

loveless.

So! I am discover’d! A Pox on my Tatling! That I cou’d not hold my Tongue till I got to her Bed-chamber.

Enter Sly, and other Servants.

SLY.

Did your Ladyship call Help, Madam? What’s the Matter?

amanda.

Villain! Slave! Who’s this? What Ruffian have you brought me here?—Dog, I’ll have you murder’d!
[Sly looks in his Face.

SLY.

Bless me! O Lord! Dear Madam, I beg your Pardon; as I hope to be saved, Madam, ’tis a Mistake: I took him for Mr.—

amanda.

Be dumb, eternal Blockhead!—Here! Take this Fellow, toss him in a blanket, and let him be turn’d out of my Doors immediately.

SLY.

O pray! Dear Madam, for Heavens sake; I am a ruin’d man.—

SNAP.

Ah! Snap, what will become of thee? Thou Art fall’n into the Hands of a tygress that has lost her whelp. I have no Hopes, but in my Master’s Impudence! Heaven strengthen it!

amanda.

I’ll hear no more! Away with him!

[Exeunt the Servants with Sly.]

Now, Sir, for you: I expected—

loveless.

A Man, Madam, did you not?

amanda.

Not a Stranger, Sir; but one that has a Right and Title to that Welcome, which by Mistake has been given to you.

loveless.

Not an Husband, I presume: he wou’d not have been so privately conducted to your Chamber, and in the Dark too!

amanda.

Whoever it was, Sir, is not your Business to examine: But if you wou’d have civil usage, pray be gone.

loveless.

To be used civilly, I must stay, Madam: There can be no Danger with so fair a Creature.

amanda.

I doubt you are mad, Sir.

loveless.

While my Senses have such luscious Food before ‘em, no Wonder if they are in some Confusion, each striving to be foremost at the Banquet; and sure my greedy Eyes will starve the rest.

[Approaching her.

amanda.

Pray, Sir, keep your Distance, lest your Feeling too be gratified.

snap.

O Lord! Wou’d I were a hundred Leagues off at Sea!

loveless.

Then briefly thus, Madam: know I like and Love you: Now, if you have so much Generosity as to let me know what Title my pretended Rival has to your Person, or your Inclination s: perhaps the little Hopes I then may have of supplanting him, may make me leave your House. If not, my Love shall still pursue you, tho’ to the hazard of my Life, which I shall not easily resign, while this Sword can guard it.

amanda.

[Aside] Oh, were this Courage shown but in a better cause, how worthy were the Man that own’d it!—What is it, Sir, that you propose by this unnecessary Trifling? Know then, that I did expect a Lover, a Man perhaps more brave than you: One, that if present, wou’d have given you a shorter Answer to your Question.

loveless.

I am glad to hear he’s brave, however; It betrays no Weakness in your Choice. But if you’d still preserve, or raise the Joys of Love, remove him from your Thoughts a Moment, and in his room receive a warmer Heart, a Heart that must admire you more than he, because my Passion’s of a fresher Date.

amanda.

What d’ye take me for?

loveless.

A Woman, and the most charming of your Sex; One, whose pointed Eyes declare you form’d for Love, and tho’ your Words are flinty; your every Look and Motion all confess there’s a secret Fire within you, which must sparkle, when the Steel of Love provokes it. Come, now pull away your Hand, and make me hold it faster.

amanda.

Nay, now you are rude, Sir.

loveless.

If Love be Rudeness, let me be impudent. When we are familiar, Rudeness will be Love. No Woman ever thought a Lover rude after she had once granted him the Favour.

amanda.

Pray, Sir, forbear.

loveless.

How can I, when my Desire’s so violent? Oh, let me snatch the rosy Dew from those distilling Lips, and as you see your Power to charm, so chide me with your Pity. Why do you thus cruelly turn away your Face? I own the Blessing’s worth an Age’s Expectation; but if refused till merited, ’tis esteemed a Debt. Wou’d you oblige your Lover, let loose your early Kindness.

amanda.

I shall not take your Counsel, Sir, while I know a Woman’s early Kindness is as little Sign of her Generosity, as her Generosity is a Sign of her Discretion: Nor wou’d I have you believe I am so ill provided for, that I need listen to any Man’s first Addresses.

loveless.

Why, Madam, wou’d not you drink the first time you had a Thirst?

amanda.

Yes; but not before I had.

loveless.

If you can’t drink, yet you may kiss the Cup, and that may give you Inclination .

amanda.

Your Pardon, Sir, I drink out of no body’s Glass but my own; As the Man I love confines himself to me, so my Inclination keeps me true to him.

loveless.

That’s a Cheat imposed upon you by your own Vanity; For, when your Back’s turn’d, your very Chamber-Maid sips of your Leavings, and becomes your Rival. Constancy in Love is all a Cheat, Women of your Understanding know it: The Joys of Love are only great when they are new, and to make ‘em lasting, we must often change.

amanda.

Suppose ’twere a fresh Lover I now expected.

loveless.

Why then, Madam, your expectation’s answer’d; For, I must confess, I don’t take you for an old Acquaintance, tho’ somewhere I have seen a Face not much unlike you. Come, your Arguments are vain; for they are so charmingly delivered, they but inspire me the more, as Blows in Battle raise the brave Man’s Courage. Come, every thing pleads for me; your Beauty, Wit, Time, Place, Opportunity, and my own excess of raging Passion.

amanda.

Stand off, distant as the Globes of Heaven and Earth, that like a falling Star I may shoot with greater Force into your Arms, and think it Heaven to lye expiring there.

[Runs into his Arms.

snap.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Rogue, the Day’s our own.

loveless.

Thou sweetest, softest Creature Heav’n e’er form’d! Thus let me twine my self about thy beauteous Limbs, till struggling with the Pangs of painful Bliss, motionless and mute we yield to conquering Love, both vanquish’d, and both Victors.

amanda.

[Aside] Can all this heat be real? Oh, why has hateful Vice such Power to charm? While poor abandon’d Virtue lyes neglected.

loveless.

Come, let us surfeit on our new-born Raptures: let’s waken sleeping Nature with Delight, till we may justly say, Now! Now! We live!

amanda.

Come on, let’s indulge the transports of our present Bliss, and bid Defiance to our future change of Fate. Who waits there?

Enter Amanda’s Woman.

amanda.

Bring me Word immediately if my Apartment’s ready, as I order’d it. O, I am charm’d, I have found the Man to please me now: one that can, and dares maintain the noble Rapture of a lawless Love: I own my self a Libertine, a mortal Foe to that dull Thing call’d Virtue, that meer Disease of sickly Nature. Pleasure’s the End of Life, and while I’m Mistress of my self, and Fortune, I will enjoy it to the height. Speak freely then, (not that I love like other Women the nauseous Pleasure of a little Flattery) but Answer me like a Man that scorns a lie: Does my Face invite you, Sir? May I from what you see of me, propose a Pleasure to my self in pleasing you?

loveless.

By Heaven you may: I have seen all Beauties that the Sun shines on, but never saw the Sun out-shin’d before: I have measur’d half the World in search of Pleasure: But not returning home, had ne’er been happy.

amanda.

[Aside] Spoken like the Man I wish might love me.—Pray Heaven his Words prove true.—Be sure you never flatter me, and when my Person tires you, confess it freely: For change when e’er you will, I’ll change as soon: But while we chance to meet, still let it be with raging Fire: no matter how soon it dies, provided the small Time it lasts, it burn the fiercer.

loveless.

O! Wou’d the blinded World, like us, agree to change, how lasting might the Joys of Love be? For thus Beauty, tho’ stale to one, might somewhere else be new; and while this Man were blest in leaving what he loath’d, another were new-ravish’d in receiving what he ne’er enjoy’d.

Re-enter Amanda’s Woman.

woman.

Madam, every thing is according to your Order.

loveless.

Oh! Lead me to the Scene of unsupportable Delight; Rack me with Pleasures never known before, till I lye gasping with convulsive Passion: This Night let us be lavish to our unbounded Wishes.

Give all our Stock at once to raise the Fire,
And revel to the Height of loose Desire.

[Exeunt.

woman.

Ah! What an happy Creature’s my Lady now! There’s many an unsatisfied Wife about Town, wou’d be glad to have her Husband as wicked as my Master, upon the same Terms my Lady has him. Few Women, I’m afraid, wou’d grudge an Husband the laying out his Stock of Love, that cou’d receive such considerable Interest for it! Well—now shan’t I take one wink of sleep for thinking how they’ll employ their Time tonight.—Faith, I must listen if I were to be hang’d for’t.
[Listens at the Door.

snap.

So! My Master’s provided for, therefore ’tis time for me to take care of my self: I have no Mind to be lock’d out of my Lodging: I fancy there’s room for two in the maid’s bed, as well as my Lady’s.—This same Flask was plaguy strong Wine.—I find I shall storm, if she don’t surrender fairly. By your leave, Damsel.

woman.

Bless me! Who’s this? O Lord! What wou’d you have? Who are you?

snap.

One that has a Right and Title to your Body, my Master having already taken Possession of your Lady’s.

woman.

Let me go, or I’ll cry out.

snap.

Ye lie; ye dare not disturb your Lady: but the better to secure you, thus I stop your Mouth.

[Kisses her.

woman.

Humh!—Lord bless me, is the Devil in you, tearing one’s Things!

snap.

Then show me your Bed-chamber.

woman.

The Devil shall have you first.

snap.

A’shall have us both together then: Here will I fix,

[Takes her about the Neck.

Just in this Posture till tomorrow Morning: In the mean time, when you find your Inclination stirring, prithee give me a call, for at present I am very sleepy.

[Seems to sleep.

woman.

Foh! How he stinks.

[He belches.]

Ah! What a Whiff was there!—The Rogue’s as drunk as a Sailor with a Twelve-months Arrears in his Pocket; or a Jacobite upon a Day of ill News. I’ll ha’nothing to say to him.—Let me see, how shall I get rid of him?—O! I have it! I’ll soon make him sober I’ll warrant him: Soho,—Mr. What d’ye call’um, where do you intend to lye tonight?

snap.

Humh—why, where you lay last Night, unless you change you Lodging.

woman.

Well, for once I’ll take pity of you: Make no noise, but put out the Candles, and follow me softly, for fear of disturbing my Lady.

snap.

I’ll warrant ye! There’s no fear of spoyling her Musick, while we are playing the same Tune.

The SCENE changes to a dark Entry, and they re-enter.

woman.

Where are you? Lend me your Hand.

snap.

Here! Here! Make haste, my dear Concupiscence.

woman.

Hold! Stand there a little, while I open the Door gently without waking the Footmen.

[She feels about, and opens a Trap Door.

woman.

Come along softly this way!

snap.

Whereabouts are you?

woman.

Here, here, come strait forward.

[He goes forward, and falls into the Cellar.

snap.

O Lord! O Lord! I have broke my Neck.

woman.

I am glad to hear him say so: however, I shou’d be loath to be hang’d for him. How d’ye, Sir?

snap.

D’ye, Sir! I am a League under Ground.

woman.

Whereabouts are you?

snap.

In Hell, I think.

woman.

No! No! You are but in the Road to it, I dare say: Ah dear! Why will you follow lewd Women at this rate, when they lead you to the very Gulph of Destruction? I knew you wou’d be swallow’d up at last. Ha! ha! ha! ha!

snap.

Ah, ye sneering Whore!

woman.

Shall I fetch you a Prayer-Book, Sir? To arm you against the Temptations of the Flesh!

snap.

No! You need but show your own damn’d ugly Face, to do that.—Hark ye, either help me out, or I’ll hang my self, and swear you murder’d me.

woman.

Nay, if you are so bloody-minded, good Night to ye, Sir.

[She offers to shut the Door over him, and he catches hold on her.

snap.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Have I caught you? I’gad we’ll pig together now.

woman.

O Lord! Pray let me go, and I’ll do any thing.

snap.

And so you shall before I part with you,

[Pulls her in to him.

And now, Master, my humble Service to you.

[He pulls the Door over them.

ACT V.

The SCENE Sir William Wisewoud’s House.

Enter Elder Worthy, Young Worthy, and a Lawyer with a Writing.

elder worthy.

Are the Ladies ready?

young worthy.

Hillaria is just gone up to hasten her Cousin, and Sir William will be here immediately.

elder worthy.

But hark you, Brother; I have consider’d of it, and pray let me oblige you not to pursue your Design upon his five thousand Pounds: for in short, ’tis no better than a cheat, and what a Gentleman shou’d scorn to be guilty of. Is not it sufficient that I consent to your wronging him of his Daughter?

young worthy.

Your Pardon, Brother; I can’t allow that a Wrong, for his Daughter loves me: Her Fortune, you know, he has nothing to do with; and it’s a hard case a young Woman shall not have the disposal of her Heart. Love’s a Fever of the Mind, which nothing but our own Wishes can asswage; and I don’t question but we shall find Marriage a very cooling cordial.—And as to the five thousand Pounds, ’tis no more than what he has endeavour’d to cheat his niece of.

elder worthy.

What d’ye mean? I take him for an honest Man!

young worthy.

Oh! Very honest! As honest as an old Agent to a new-rais’d Regiment.—No, faith, I’ll say that for him, he will not do an ill Thing unless he gets by it. In a Word, this so very honest Sir William, as you take him to be, has offer’d me the refusal of your Mistress; and upon Condition I will secure him five thousand Pounds upon my Day of Marriage with her, he will secure me her Person, and ten thousand Pounds, the remaining part of her Fortune! There’s a Guardian for ye! What think ye now, Sir?

elder worthy.

Why I think he deserves to be serv’d in the same kind! I find Age and Avarice are inseparable! Therefore, ev’n make what you can of him, and I will stand by you. But hark you, Mr. Forge, are you sure it will stand good in Law if Sir William signs the Bond?

lawyer.

In any Court in England, Sir.

elder worthy.

Then there’s your fifty Pieces; and if it succeeds, here are as many more in the same Pocket to Answer ’em: But, mum,—here comes Sir William and the Ladies.

Enter Sir William, Wisewoud, Hillaria, and Narcissa.

sir william.

Good Morrow Gentlemen! Mr. Worthy, give you Joy! Odso! If my Heels were as light as my Heart, I shou’d ha’ much ado to forbear Dancing.—Here, here, take her, Man,

[Gives him Narcissa’s Hand.]

She’s yours, and so is her thousand Pounds a Year, and my five thousand Pounds shall be yours too.

young worthy.
[Aside] You must ask me leave first.

sir william.

Odso! Is the Lawyer come?

elder worthy.

He is, and all the Writings are ready, Sir.

sir william.

Come, come, let’s see, Man! What’s this! Odd! This Law is a plaguy troublesome thing; for nowadays it won’t let a Man give away his own, without repeating the Particulars five hundred times over; when, in former Times, a Man might have held his Title to twenty thousand Pounds a Year, in the compass of an Horn-book.

lawyer.

That is, Sir, because there are more Knaves nowadays, and this Age is more treacherous and distrustful than heretofore.

sir william.

That is, Sir, because there are more Lawyers than heretofore: But come, what’s this, prithee?

lawyer.

These are the old Writings of your Daughter’s Fortune.—This is Mr. Worthy’s settlement upon her.—And this, Sir, is your Bond for five thousand Pounds to him: There wants nothing but filling up the blanks with the Parties’ Names; If you please, Sir, I’ll do it immediately.

sir william.

Do so.

lawyer.

May I crave your Daughter’s Christian Name? The rest I know, Sir.

sir william.

Narcissa: Prithee make haste.—

young worthy.

[Aside] You know your Business.—

lawyer.

I’ll warrant you, Sir.

[Sits to write.

sir william.

Mr. Worthy, methinks your Brother does not relish your Happiness as he shou’d do: Poor Man! I’ll warrant he wishes himself in his Brother’s Condition!

young worthy.

Not I, I’ll assure you, Sir.

sir william.
Niece! Niece! Have you no Pity? Prithee look upon him a little! Odd! He’s a pretty young Fellow.—I am sure he loves you, or he wou’d not have frequented my House so often! D’ye think his Brother cou’d not tell my Daughter his own Story without your Assistance! Pshaw-waw! I tell you, you were the Beauty that made him so assiduous: Come, come, give him your Hand, and he’ll soon creep into your Heart, I’ll warrant you: Come, say the Word, and make him happy.

hillaria.

What, to make my self miserable, Sir? Marry a Man without an Estate!

sir william.

Hang an Estate! True Love’s beyond all Riches! ’Tis all Dirt—meer Dirt!—Beside, han’t you fifteen thousand Pounds to your portion?

hillaria.

I doubt, Sir, you wou’d be loath to give him your Daughter, tho’ her Fortune’s larger.

sir william.

Odd, if he loved her but half so well, as he loves you, he shou’d have her for a Word speaking.

hillaria.

But, Sir, this asks some consideration.—

narcissa.

You see, Mr. Worthy, what an extraordinary Kindness my Father has for you!

young worthy.

Ay, Madam, and for your Cousin too: But I hope with a little of your Assistance we shall be both able very shortly to return it.

narcissa.

Nay, I was always ready to serve Hillaria; for Heaven knows I only marry to revenge her Quarrel to my Father: I cannot forgive his off’ring to sell her.

young worthy.

O, you need not take such Pains, Madam, to conceal your Passion for me; you may own it without a Blush upon your Wedding-day.

narcissa.

My Passion! When did you hear me acknowledge any? If I thought you cou’d believe me guilty of such a Weakness, tho’ after I had marry’d you, I wou’d never look you in the Face.

young worthy.

[Aside] A very pretty Humour this, faith! What a world of unnecessary Sins have we two to answer for? For she has told more Lies to conceal her Love, than I have sworn false Oaths to promote it.—Well, Madam, at present I’ll content my self with your giving me leave to love.

narcissa.

Which if I don’t give, you’ll take, I suppose.

hillaria.

Well, Uncle, I won’t promise you, but I’ll go to Church and see them marry’d; when we come back ’tis ten to one but I surprize you where you least think on.

sir william.

Why, that’s well said!—Mr. Worthy, now! Now’s your Time; Odd! I have so fir’d her, ’tis not in her Power to deny you, Man—To her! To her! I warrant her thy own, Boy! You’ll keep your Word, five thousand Pounds upon the Day of Marriage.

young worthy.

I’ll give you my Bond upon demand, Sir.

sir william.

O! I dare take your Word, Sir.—Come, Lawyer, have you done? Is all ready?

lawyer.

All, Sir! This is your Bond to Mr. Worthy: Will you be pleased to sign that first, Sir?

sir william.

Ay, ay; let’s see!

The Condition of this Obligation [Reads.]

Hum, um—Come, lend me the Pen.—There.—Mr. Worthy, I deliver this as my Act and Deed to you, and Heaven send you a good Bargain.—Niece, will you witness it?
[Which she does.]

—Come, Lawyer, your Fist too.

[Lawyer witnesses it.

lawyer.

Now, Sir, if you please to sign the Jointure.

elder worthy.

Come on.—Sir William,I deliver this to you for the Use of your Daughter. Madam, will you give your self the Trouble once more?

[Hillaria sets her Hand.]

Come, Sir—

[The Lawyer does the same.]

So, now let a Coach be called as soon as you please, Sir.

sir william.

You may save that Charge, I saw your own at the Door.

elder worthy.

Your Pardon, Sir, that wou’d make our Business too publick: For which Reason, Sir William, I hope you will excuse our not taking you along with us.
[Exit a Servant.

sir william.

Ay, ay, with all my Heart; the more Privacy the less Expence. But pray, what Time may I expect you back again? For Amanda has sent to me for the Writings of her Husband’s Estate: I suppose she intends to redeem the Mortgage, and I am afraid she will keep me there till Dinner-time.

young worthy.

Why, about that Time she has obliged me to bring some of her nearest Friends to be Witnesses of her good or evil Fortune with her Husband: Methinks I long to know her Success; If you please, Sir William, we’ll meet you there.

sir william.

With all my Heart.—

[Enter a Servant.]

Well, Is the Coach come?

servant.

It is at the Door, Sir.

sir william.

Come, Gentlemen, no Ceremony; your time’s short.

elder worthy.

Your Servant, Sir William.

[Exeunt Elder Worthy, Young Worthy, Narcissa, and Hillaria.

sir william.

So! Here’s five thousand Pounds got with a wet Finger! This ’tis to read Mankind! I knew a young Lover wou’d never think he gave too much for his Mistress! Well! If I don’t suddenly meet with some Misfortune, I shall never be able to bear this tranquillity of Mind.

[Exit.

The SCENE changes to Amanda’s House.

Enter Amanda sola.

amanda.

Thus far my Hopes have all been Answer’d, and my Disguise of vicious Love has charm’d him ev’n to a madness of impure Desire.—But now I tremble to pull off the Mask, lest bare fac’d Virtue shou’d fright him from my Arms for ever. Yet sure there are Charms in Virtue, nay, stronger, and more pleasing far, than hateful Vice can boast of! Else why have holy Martyrs perish’d for its sake? While Lewdness ever gives severe Repentance, and unwilling Death.—Good Heaven inspire my Heart, and hang upon my Tongue the Force of Truth and Eloquence, that I may lure this wandring Falcon back to Love and Virtue.—He comes, and now my dreaded Task begins!

Enter Loveless in new Clothes.

amanda.

How fare you, Sir? D’ye not already think your self confin’d? Are you not tired with my easy Love?

loveless.

O never, never! You have so fill’d my Thoughts with Pleasures past, that but to reflect on ’em is still new Rapture to my Soul, and the Bliss must last while I have Life or Memory.

amanda.

No Flattery, Sir! I lov’d you for your plain dealing: and to preserve my good Opinion, tell me, what think you of the Grape’s persuading Juice! Come, speak freely, Wou’d not the next Tavern Bush put all this out of your Head?

loveless.

Faith, Madam, to be free with you, I am apt to think you are in the right on’t. For tho’ Love and Wine are two very fine Tunes, yet they make no Musick, if you play them both together; separately they ravish us: Thus the Mistress ought to make room for the Bottle, the Bottle for the Mistress, and both to wait the Call of Inclination .

amanda.

That’s generously spoken.—I have observ’d, Sir, in all your Discourse you confess something of a Man, that has thoroughly known the World!—Pray give me leave to ask of you, of what Condition you are, and whence you came?

loveless.

Why, in the first place, Madam, by Birth I am a Gentleman; by ill Friends, good Wine, and false Dice, almost a Beggar: But by your Servants mistaking me, the happiest Man, that ever Love and Beauty smil’d on.

amanda.

One thing more, Sir: Are you married?— [Aside] Now my Fears.

loveless.

I was, but very young.

amanda.

What was your Wife?

loveless.

A foolish loving Thing, that built Castles in the Air, and thought it impossible for a Man to forswear himself when he made Love.

amanda.

Was she not virtuous?

loveless.

Umph—Yes, faith, I believe she might, I was ne’er jealous of her.

amanda.

Did you ne’er Love her?

loveless.

Ah! Most damnably at first, for she was within two Women of my Maidenhead.

amanda.

What’s become of her?

loveless.

Why, after I had been from her beyond Sea, about seven or eight Years, like a very loving Fool she died of the Pip, and civilly left me the World free to range in.

amanda.

Why did you leave her?

loveless.

Because she grew stale, and I cou’d not whore in quiet for her: Besides, she was always exclaiming against my Extravagancies, particularly my Gaming, which she so violently oppos’d, that I fancy’d a Pleasure in it, which since I never found; for in one Month I lost between eight and ten thousand Pounds, which I had just before call’d in to pay my Debts. This Misfortune made my Creditors come so thick upon me, that I was forc’d to mortgage the remaining Part of my Estate to purchase new Pleasure, which I knew I cou’d not do on this side the Water, amidst the Clamours of insatiate Duns, and the more hateful Noise of a complaining Wife.

amanda.

Don’t you wish you had taken her Counsel, tho’?

loveless.

Not I, faith, Madam.

amanda.

Why so?

loveless.

Because ’tis to no Purpose: I am Master of more Philosophy, than to be concern’d at what I can’t help.—But now, Madam,—pray give me Leave to inform my self as far in your Condition.

amanda.

In a Word, Sir, till you know me thoroughly, I must own my self a perfect Riddle to you.

loveless.

Nay, nay, I know you are a Woman: But in what Circumstances, Wife or Widow?

amanda.

A Wife, Sir; a true, a faithful, and a virtuous Wife.

loveless.

Umh! Truly, Madam, your Story begins something like a Riddle! A virtuous Wife, say you? What, and was you never false to your Husband?

amanda.

I never was, by Heav’n! For him, and only him, I still love above the World.

loveless.

Good again! Pray, Madam, don’t your memory fail you sometimes? Because I fancy you don’t remember what you do over Night!

amanda.

I told you, Sir, I shou’d appear a Riddle to you: But if my Heart will give me leave, I’ll now unloose your fetter’d Apprehension.—But I must first amaze you more.—Pray, Sir, satisfy me in one Particular.—’Tis this,—What are your undissembled Thoughts of Virtue? Now, if you can, shake off your loose unthinking Part, and summon all your Force of manly Reason to resolve me.

loveless.

Faith, Madam, methinks this is a very odd Question for a Woman of your Character. I must confess you have amazed me.

amanda.

It ought not to amaze you! Why shou’d you think I make a Mock of Virtue? But last Night you allow’d my Understanding greater than is usual in our Sex: if so, can you believe I have no farther Sense of Happiness than what this empty, dark, and barren World can yield me? No, I have yet a Prospect of a sublimer Bliss, an Hope, that carries me to the bright Regions of Eternal Day.

loveless.

[Aside.]—Humh! I thought her last Night’s humour was too good to hold. I suppose, by and by, she will ask me to go to Church with her.—Faith, Madam, in my mind this Discourse is a little out of the Way. You told me I shou’d be acquainted with your Condition, and at present that’s what I had rather be inform’d of.

amanda.

Sir, you shall: But first, this Question must be answer’d: your Thoughts of Virtue, Sir?—By all my Hopes of Bliss hereafter, your Answering this pronounces half my good, or evil fate for ever: But on my knees I beg you, do not speak till you have weigh’d it well.—Answer me with the same Truth and sincerity as you wou’d Answer Heav’n at your latest Hour.

loveless.

Your Words confound me, Madam: some wondrous Secret sure lies ripened in your breast, and seems to struggle for its fatal Birth! What is it I must Answer you?

amanda.

Give me your real Thoughts of Virtue, Sir: can you believe there ever was a Woman truly Mistress of it, or is it only notion?

loveless.

Let me consider, Madam.—[Aside.]What can this mean? Why is she so earnest in her Demands, and begs me to be serious, as if her Life depended on my Answer?—I will resolve her, as I ought, as Truth, and Reason, and the strange Occasion seems to press me.—Most of your Sex confound the very Name of Virtue; for they wou’d seem to live without Desires, which cou’d they do, that were not Virtue but the defect of unperforming Nature, and no praise to them: For who can boast a Victory when they have no Foe to conquer? Now she alone gives the fairest Proofs of Virtue, whose Conscience and whose Force of Reason can curb her warm Desires, when Opportunity wou’d raise ’em: That such a Woman may be found I dare believe.

amanda.

May I believe that from your Soul you speak this undissembled Truth?

loveless.

Madam, you may. But still you rack me with Amazement! Why am I ask’t so strange a Question?

amanda.

I’ll give you ease immediately.—Since then you have allow’d a Woman may be virtuous.—How will you excuse the Man who leaves the Bosom of a Wife so qualified, for the abandon’d Pleasures of deceitful Prostitutes? Ruins her Fortune, contemns her Counsel, loaths her Bed, and leaves her to the lingring Miseries of Despair and Love: While, in return of all these Wrongs, she, his poor forsaken Wife, meditates no Revenge, but what her piercing Tears and secret Vows to Heav’n for his conversion yield her; yet still loves on, is constant and unshaken to the last. Can you believe that such a Man can live without the Stings of Conscience, and yet be Master of his Senses? Conscience! Did you ne’er feel the Checks of it? Did it never, never tell you of your broken Vows?

loveless.

That you shou’d ask me this, confounds my Reason.—And yet your Words are utter’d with such a powerful Accent, they have awak’d my Soul, and strike my Thoughts with Horror and Remorse.—

[Stands in a fix’d Posture.

amanda.

Then let me strike you nearer, deeper yet.—But arm your Mind with gentle Pity first, or I am lost for ever.

loveless.

I am all Pity, all Faith, Expectation, and confused Amazement: Be kind, be quick, and ease my Wonder.

amanda.

Look on me well: Revive your dead Remembrance: And oh! For pity’s sake,
[Kneels.]

hate me not for loving long: faithfully forgive this innocent Attempt of a despairing Passion, and I shall die in quiet.

loveless.

Hah! Speak on!

[Amazed.

amanda.

I will not be!—The Word’s too weighty for my faultring Tongue, and my Soul sinks beneath the fatal Burden. Oh!

[Falls on the Ground.

loveless.

Ha! She faints! Look up fair Creature! Behold a Heart that bleeds for your Distress, and fain wou’d share the Weight of your oppressing Sorrows! Oh! Thou hast rais’d a Thought within me, that shocks my Soul.

amanda.

’Tis done!

[Rising.]

The Conflict’s past, and Heav’n bids me speak undaunted. Know then, ev’n all the boasted Raptures of your last Night’s Love you found in your Amanda’s Arms.—I am your Wife.

loveless.

Hah!

amanda.

For ever blest or miserable, as your next Breath shall sentence me.

loveless.

My Wife! Impossible! Is she not dead? How shall I believe thee?

amanda.

How Time and my Afflictions may have alter’d me, I know not; but here’s an indelible Confirmation

[Bares her Arms.]

These speaking Characters, which in their cheerful Bloom our early Passions mutually recorded.

loveless.

Hah! ’Tis here.—’Tis no Illusion, but my real Name; which seems to upbraid me as a Witness of my perjur’d Love.—Oh I am confounded with my Guilt, and tremble to behold thee.—Pray give me Leave to think.

[Turns from her.

amanda.

I will.

[Kneels.]

But you must look upon me. For only Eyes can hear the Language of the Eyes; and mine have sure the tenderest Tale of Love to tell, that ever Misery, at the dawn of rising Hope, cou’d utter.

loveless.

I have wrong’d you. (Oh! Rise!) Basely wrong’d you! And can I see your Face?

amanda.

One kind, one pitying Look, cancels those Wrongs for ever. And oh! Forgive my fond presuming Passion; for from my Soul I pardon and forgive you all: all but this, the greatest, your unkind Delay of Love.

loveless.
Oh! Seal my Pardon with thy trembling Lips, while with this tender Grasp of fond reviving Love I seize my Bliss, and stifle all thy Wrongs for ever.

[Embraces her.

amanda.

No more; I’ll wash away their Memory in Tears of flowing Joy.

loveless.

Oh! Thou hast rouz’d me from my deep Lethargy of Vice! For hitherto my Soul has been enslav’d to loose Desires, to vain deluding Follies, and Shadows of substantial Bliss: but now I wake with Joy to find my Rapture real.—Thus let me kneel and pay my Thanks to her, whose conquering Virtue has at last subdu’d me. Here will I fix, thus prostrate, sigh my Shame, and wash my Crimes in never ceasing Tears of Penitence.

amanda.

O rise! This posture heaps new Guilt on me! Now you overpay me.

loveless.

Have I not used thee like a Villain! For almost ten long Years depriv’d thee of my Love, and ruin’d all thy Fortune? But I will labour, dig, beg, or starve, to give new Proofs of my unfeign’d Affection.

amanda.

Forbear this Tenderness, lest I repent of having mov’d your Soul so far. You shall not need to beg. Heav’n has provided for us beyond its common Care. ’Tis now near two Years since my Uncle, Sir William Wealthy, sent you the News of my pretended Death; knowing the Extravagance of your Temper he thought it fit you shou’d believe no other of me: and about a Month after he had sent you that Advice, poor Man, he dy’d, and left me in the full Possession of two thousand Pounds a Year, which I now cannot offer as a Gift, because my Duty, and your lawful Right, makes you the undisputed Master of it.

loveless.

How have I Labour’d for my own undoing! While, in despite of all my Follies, kind Heav’n resolv’d my Happiness.

Enter a Servant to Amanda.

servant.

Madam, Sir William Wisewoud has sent your Ladyship the Writings you desired him, and says he’ll wait upon you immediately.

amanda.

Now, Sir, if you please to withdraw awhile, you may inform your self how fair a Fortune you are Master of.

loveless.

None, none that can outweigh a virtuous Mind; while in my Arms I thus can circle thee, I grasp more Treasure, than in a Day the posting Sun can travel o’er. Oh! Why have I so long been blind to the perfections of thy Mind and Person? Not knowing thee a Wife, I found thee charming beyond the Wishes of luxurious Love. Is it then a Name, a Word, shall rob thee of thy Worth? Can Fancy be a surer Guide to Happiness than Reason? Oh! I have wander’d like a benighted Wretch, and lost my self in Life’s unpleasing Journey.

’Twas heedless Fancy first, that made me stray,
But Reason now breaks forth, and lights me on my way.

[Exeunt.

The SCENE changes to an Entry. Enter three or four Servants.

first servant.

Prithee, Tom, make haste below there; my Lady has order’d Dinner at half an Hour after One, precisely. Look out some of the Red that came in last.
[Two of the Servants haul Snap and Amanda’s Woman out of the Cellar.

second servant.

Come, Sir, come out here, and show your Face.

woman.

Oh, I am undone! Ruin’d!

second servant.

Pray, Sir, who are you? And what was your Business? And how in the Devil’s Name came you in here?

snap.

Why, truly, Sir, the Flesh led me to the Cellar-Door; but I believe the Devil push’t me in.—That Gentlewoman can inform you better.

third servant.

Pray, Mrs. Anne, how came you two together in the Cellar?

woman.

Why, he—he—pu—pu—pull’d me in.

[Sobbing.

third servant.

But how the Devil came he in?

woman.

He fe—fe—fe—fell in.

second servant.

How came he into the House?

woman.

I don—do—don’t know.

second servant.

Ah! You are a Crocodile; I thought what was the Reason I cou’d never get a good Word from you! What, in a Cellar too? But come, Sir, we will take Care of you, however. Bring him along, we will first carry him before my Lady; and then toss him in a Blanket.

snap.

Nay, but Gentlemen, dear Gentlemen!

[Exeunt.

Enter Loveless, Amanda, Elder Worthy, Young Worthy, Narcissa, and Hillaria.

elder worthy.

This is indeed a joyful Day; we must all congratulate your Happiness.

amanda.

Which while our Lives permit us to enjoy, we must still reflect with Gratitude on the generous Author of it. Sir, we owe you more than Words can pay you.

loveless.

Words are indeed too weak; therefore, let my Gratitude be dumb till it can speak in Actions.

young worthy.

The Success of the Design I thought on, sufficiently rewards me.

hillaria.

When I reflect upon Amanda’s past Afflictions, I cou’d almost weep to think of his unexpected Change of Fortune.

elder worthy.

Methinks her fair Example shou’d persuade all constant Wives ne’er to repine at unrewarded Virtue. Nay ev’n my Brother being the first Adviser of it, has atton’d for all the looseness of his Character.

loveless.

I never can return his Kindness.

narcissa.

In a short time, Sir, I suppose you’ll meet with an Opportunity, if you can find a Receipt to preserve Love, after his Honey-Moon’s over.

loveless.

The Receipt is easily found, Madam; Love’s a tender Plant, which can’t live out of a warm Bed: You must take Care, with undissembled Kindness to keep him from the Northern Blast of Jealousy.

narcissa.

But I have heard your experience’d Lovers make use of Coldness, and that’s more agreeable to my Inclination .

loveless.

Coldness, Madam, before Marriage, like throwing a little Water upon a clear Fire, makes it burn the fiercer: but after Marriage, you must still take care to lay on fresh Fuel.

narcissa.

Oh fie, Sir! How many Examples have we of Men’s hating their Wives for being too fond of ’em?

loveless.

No wonder, Madam: you may stifle a Flame by heaping on too great a Load.

narcissa.

Nay, Sir, if there be no other way of destroying his Passion for me, he may love till Doomsday.

elder worthy.

Humh! Don’t you smell Powder, Gentlemen? Sir Novelty is not far off.

loveless.

What not our Fellow-Collegian, I hope, that was expell’d the University for beating the Proctor?

elder worthy.

The same.

loveless.

Does that Weed grow still?

elder worthy.

Ay faith, and as rank as ever, as you shall see; for here he comes.

Enter Sir Novelty Fashion.

sir novelty fashion.

Ladies, your humble Servant; Dear Loveless, let me embrace thee, I am overjoy’d at thy good Fortune: Stop my Vitals.—The whole Town rings of it already.—My Lady Tattle-tongue has tired a pair of Horses in spreading the News about. Hearing, Gentlemen, that you were all met upon an extraordinary good Occasion, I cou’d not resist this Opportunity of joining my Joy with yours: for you must know I am—

narcissa.

Married, Sir?

sir novelty fashion.

To my Liberty, Madam, I am just parted from my Mistress.

narcissa.

And pray, Sir, how do you find your self after it?

sir novelty fashion.

The happiest Man alive, Madam. Pleasant! Easy! Gay! Light! And free as Air: Ha!

[Capers.]

I beg your Ladyship’s Pardon, Madam, but upon my Soul I cannot confine my Rapture.

narcissa.

Are you so indifferent, Sir?

sir novelty fashion.

Oh Madam! She’s engaged already to a Temple Beau: I saw ’em in a Coach together, so fond, and bore it with as unmov’d a Countenance as Tom Worthy does a thund’ring Jest in a Comedy, when the whole House roars at it.

young worthy.

Pray, Sir, what occasion’d your Separation?

sir novelty fashion.

Why this, Sir:—You must know, she being still possest with a brace of implacable Devils call’d Revenge and Jealousy, dogg’d me this Morning to the Chocolate-house, where I was oblig’d to leave a Letter for a young foolish Girl, that—(you will excuse me, Sir) which I had no sooner delivered to the Maid of the House, but, whip! She snatches it out of her Hand, flew at her like a Dragon, tore off her Headcloths, flung down three or four Sets of Lemonade-glasses, dasht my Lord Whiffle’s Chocolate in his Face, cut him over the Nose, and had like to have strangled me in my own Steinkirk.

loveless.

Pray, Sir, how did this end?

sir novelty fashion.

Comically, stop my Vitals! For in the Cloud of Powder that she had batter’d out of the Beau’s Periwigs, I stole away: After which, I sent a Friend to her with an Offer, which she readily accepted (three hundred Pounds a Year during Life) provided she wou’d renounce all Claims to me, and resign my Person to my own Disposal.

elder worthy.

Methinks, Sir Novelty, you were a little too extravagant in your Settlement, considering how the Price of Women is fallen.

sir novelty fashion.

Therefore I did it—to be the first Man shou’d raise their Price: For the Devil take me, but the Women of the Town now come down so low, that my very Footman, while he kept my Place t’other Day at the Playhouse, carry’d a Mask out of the Side-box with him, and, stop my Vitals, the Rogue is now taking Physick for’t.

Enter the Servants with Snap.

first servant.

Come, bring him along there.

loveless.

How now! Hah! Snap in hold? Pray let’s know the Business; release him, Gentlemen.

first servant.

Why, an’t please you, Sir, this Fellow was taken in the Cellar with my Lady’s Woman! She says he kept her in by Force, and was rude to her: She stands crying here without, and begs her Ladyship to do her Justice.

amanda.

Mr. Loveless, we are both the Occasion of this Misfortune; and for the poor Girl’s Reputation-sake, something shou’d be done.

loveless.

Snap, Answer me directly, have you lain with this poor Girl?

snap.

Why truly, Sir, imagining you were doing little less with my Lady, I must confess I did commit Familiarity with her, or so, Sir.

loveless.

Then you shall marry her, Sir! No Reply unless it be your Promise.

snap.

Marry her! O Lord, Sir! After I have lain with her? Why, Sir! How the Devil can you think a Man can have any Stomach to his Dinner, after he has had three or four Slices off of the Spit?

loveless.

Well, Sirrah, to renew your Appetite, and because thou hast been my old Acquaintance, I’ll give thee an hundred Pounds with her, and thirty Pounds a Year during Life, to set you up in some honest Employment.

snap.

Ah, Sir, now I understand you: Heav’n reward you! Well, Sir, I partly find that the genteel Scenes of our Lives are pretty well over; and I thank Heav’n, that I have so much Grace left, that I can repent, when I have no more Opportunities of being wicked.—Come, Spouse!

[She enters.]

Here’s my Hand, the rest of my Body shall be forth-coming.—Ah! Little did my Master and I think last Night that we were robbing our own Orchards!

[Exeunt.

elder worthy.

Brother, stand upon your Guard! Here comes Sir William.

Enter Sir WilliamWisewoud.

sir william.

Joy, joy to you all! Madam, I congratulate your good Fortune. Well, my dear Rogue, must not I give thee Joy too? Ha!

young worthy.
If you please, Sir: But I confess I have more than I deserve already.

sir william.

And Art thou marry’d?

young worthy.

Yes, Sir, I am marry’d.

sir william.

Odso, I am glad on’t: I dare swear thou dost not grudge me the five thousand Pounds.

young worthy.

Not I, really, Sir: You have given me all my Soul cou’d wish for, but the addition of a Father’s Blessing.

[Kneels with Narcissa.

sir william.

Humh! What dost thou mean? I am none of thy Father.

young worthy.

This Lady is your Daughter, Sir, I hope.

sir william.

Prithee get up! Prithee get up! Thou art stark mad! True, I believe she may be my Daughter: Well, and so, Sir—

young worthy.

If she be not, I’m certain she’s my Wife, Sir.

sir william.

Humh! Mr. Worthy, pray, Sir, do me the Favour to help me to understand your Brother a little.—Do you know any thing of his being married?

elder worthy.

Then, without any Abuse, Sir William, he married your Daughter this very Morning, not an Hour ago, Sir.

sir william.

Pray, Sir, whose Consent had you? Who advis’d you to it?

young worthy.

Our mutual Love and your Consent, Sir, which these Writings, entitling her to a thousand Pounds a Year, and this Bond, whereby you have oblig’d your self to pay me five thousand Pounds on our Day of Marriage, are sufficient Proofs of.

sir william.

He, he! I gave your Brother such a Bond, Sir.

young worthy.

You did so! But the Obligation is to me: Look there, Sir.

sir william.

Very good! This is my Hand, I must confess, Sir: And what then?

young worthy.

Why then, I expect my five thousand Pounds, Sir: Pray, Sir, do you know my Name?

sir william.

I am not drunk, Sir; I am sure it was Worthy, and Jack, or Tom, or Dick, or something.

young worthy.

No, Sir, I’ll show you.—’Tis William; look you there, Sir: You shou’d have taken more care of the Lawyer, Sir, that fill’d up the Blank.

elder worthy.

So, now his Eyes are open!

sir william.

And have you married my Daughter against my Consent, and trick’d me out of five thousand Pounds, Sir?

hillaria.

His Brother, Sir, has married me too with my Consent, and I am not trick’d out of five thousand Pounds.

sir william.

Insulting Witch! Look ye, Sir! I never had a substantial Cause to be angry in my Life before: but now I have Reason on my side, I will indulge my Indignation most immoderately: I must confess, I have not Patience to wait the slow Redress of a tedious Law-suit, therefore am resolv’d to right my self the nearest Way.—Draw, draw, Sir; you must not enjoy my five thousand Pounds, tho’ I fling as much more after it, in procuring a Pardon for killing you.

[They hold him.]

Let me come at him; I’ll murder him! I’ll cut him! I’ll tear him! I’ll broil him! And eat him! A Rogue! A Dog! A cursed Dog! A cut-throat, murdering Dog!

elder worthy.

O fie! Sir William, how monstrous is this Passion?

sir william.

You have disarm’d me, but I shall find a time to poison him.

loveless.

Think better on’t, Sir William; your Daughter has married a Gentleman; and one whose Love entitles him to her Person.

sir william.

Ay, but the five thousand Pounds, Sir! Why, the very Report of his having such a Fortune, will ruin him. I’ll warrant you, within this Week he will have more Duns at his Chamber in a Morning, than a gaming Lord after a good Night at the Groom Porter’s, or a Poet upon the fourth Day of his new Play. I shall never be pleased with paying it against my own Consent, Sir.

hillaria.

Yet you wou’d have had me done it, Sir William: But, however, I heartily wish you wou’d as freely forgive Mr. Worthy, as I do you, Sir.

sir william.

I must confess, this Girl’s Good-nature makes me ashamed of what I have offer’d: But, Mr. Worthy, I did not expect such Usage from a Man of your Character: I always took you for a Gentleman.

elder worthy.

You shall find me no other, Sir: Brother, a Word with you!

loveless.

Sir William, I have some obligations to this Gentleman, and have so great a Confidence in your Daughter’s Merit, and his Love, that I here promise to return you your five thousand Pounds, if after the Expiration of one year, you are then dissatisfied in his being your Son-in-law.

young worthy.

But see, Brother, he has forestall’d your Purpose.

elder worthy.

Mr. Loveless, you have been before-hand with me, but you must give me leave to offer Sir William my joint Security for what you have promised him.

loveless

With all my Heart, Sir! Dare you take our Bonds, Sir William?

young worthy.

Hold, Gentlemen! I shou’d blush to be oblig’d to that Degree: Therefore, Sir William, as the first Proof of that Respect and Duty I owe a Father, I here, unaskt, return your Bond, and will henceforth expect nothing from you, but as my Conduct shall deserve it.

amanda.

This is indeed a generous Act; methinks ’twere Pity it shou’d go unrewarded.

sir william.

Nay, now you vanquish me; after this; I can’t suspect your future Conduct: There, Sir, ’tis yours; I acknowledge the Bond, and wish you all the Happiness of a bridal Bed. Heav’ns Blessings on you both: Now rise, my Boy! And let the World know ‘twas I set you upon your Legs again.

young worthy.

I’ll study to deserve your Bounty, Sir.

loveless.

Now, Sir William, you have shown your self a Father. This prudent Action has secured your Daughter from the usual Consequence of a stol’n Marriage; a Parent’s Curse. Now she must be happy in her Love, while you have such a tender Care on’t.

amanda.

This is indeed a happy Meeting: We all of us have drawn our several Prizes in the Lottery of human Life: Therefore, I beg our Joys may be united: Not one of us must part this Day. The Ladies I’ll intreat my Guests.

loveless.

The rest are mine, and I hope will often be so.

amanda.

Tis yet too soon to dine: Therefore, to divert us in the mean time, what think you of a little Musick? The subject perhaps not improper to this Occasion!

elder worthy.

’Twill oblige us, Madam; we are all Lovers of it.

The SCENE draws, and discovers LOVE seated on a Throne, attended with a CHORUS.
fame.

HAIL! Hail! Victorious Love!
To whom all Hearts below,
With no less Pleasure bow,
Than to the thund’ring Jove,
The happy Souls above.

chorus.

Hail! &c.

Enter Reason.

reason.

Cease, cease, fond Fools, your empty Noise,
And follow not such idle Joys:
Love gives you but a short-liv’d Bliss,
But I bestow immortal Happiness.

love.

Rebellious Reason, talk no more;
Of all my Slaves, I thee abhor:
But thou, alas! dost strive in vain
To free the Lover from a pleasing Chain;
In spite of Reason, Love shall live and reign.

chorus.

In spite, &c.

A Martial Symphony.

 

Enter Honor.

honor.

What Wretch wou’d follow Love’s Alarms.
When Honor’s Trumpet sounds to Arms?
Hark! How the warlike Notes inspire
In ev’ry Breast a glowing Fire.

love.

Hark! How it swells with Love and soft Desire.

honor.

Behold, behold the married State,
By thee too soon betray’d,
Repenting now too late.
Enter Marriage, with his Yoke.

marriage.

O! Tell me, cruel God of Love,
Why didst thou my Thoughts possess
With an eternal Round of Happiness?
And yet, alas! I lead a wretched Life,
Doom’d to this galling Yoke—the Emblem of a Wife.

love.

Ungrateful Wretch! How dar’st thou Love upbraid?
I gave thee Raptures in the bridal Bed.

marriage.

Long since, alas! The airy Vision fled,
And I with wandring Flames my Passion feed,
O! Tell me, pow’rful God,
Where I shall find
My former Peace of Mind?

love.

Where first I promis’d thee a happy Life,
There thou shalt find it, in a virtuous Wife.

love and fame.

Go home, unhappy Wretch, and mourn
For all thy guilty Passion past;
There thou shalt those Joys return,
Which shall for ever, ever last.

End with the first Chorus.

love.
’Twas generously design’d, and all my Life to come shall show how I approve the Moral. Oh Amanda! Once more receive me to thy Arms; and while I am there, let all the World confess my Happiness. By my Example taught, let every Man, whose Fate has bound him to a married Life, beware of letting loose his wild Desires: For if Experience may be allow’d to judge, I must proclaim the Folly of a wandring Passion. The greatest Happiness we can hope on Earth,

And sure the nearest to the Joys above,
Is the chaste Rapture of a virtuous Love.

FINIS.